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Saturday, June 5, 2010

A couple horrible days

The last few days can only really be called horrible. Thursday night Janey was up all night, manic and wild. Friday morning we realized we had a medical emergency on our hands with Freddy---quite a bit of rectal bleeding. I was at the emergency room with him all day, from 5amto 5pm. No real answers yet---they ruled out a few things, but have to do a lot more testing. He feels fine and is home and in fact at a slumber party tonight, but my nerves are shot and I'm very scared, to be honest. I was so tired at the hospital as we waited and waited and waited for tests that I truly didn't know how I would go on. Nothing to eat all day, no sleep, worry and fear, Freddy upset mostly because he didn't want to go to the hospital---I would say that day was truly a low point for me and I am sure for him. I came home, and thankfully Janey slept, and I slept from 6pm to 7am, and some more during the day. Today Janey cried again much of the day, including true hysteria tonight, just the awful, awful crying where nothing helps and she is completely hysterical. We took her fora car ride to get her to sleep, and she did go to sleep but woke up as we were coming in the driveway. RIght now she is asleep and quiet, but I'm sure she's be back up. It feels like I can just barely take this lately. At a few points, I really felt like I was shutting down---It's the first time I knew what that felt like. I just felt like "Okay, I can't take any more. I'm going to turn off my brain now" I felt numb. I know life isn't fair. Of course it's not fair. There are many that have it harder than me. But why, why, WHY can't I have JUST a child with autism, or JUST a child with medical issues, or JUST a child that is Aspergers-like? Or if I have to have all of them, why can't I have enough money so it wasn't on my mind all day at the hospital how awful the co-pays are going to be, not that it would ever affect me getting Fred the care he needs? Or could we just have a house that's more suitable for a family of 5? Or just a tiny bit more help? Or any of those?

Okay, enough ranting. I've resisted even writing here, which I see as my refuge, because it's too depressing. I like to be positive. Thank God Freddy didn't have some of things they tested for, and that I have a husband who helps all he can, and that we have a roof over our heads. Janey's manic crying will get better again in time. It will all look brighter at some point.

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