|Smiles on the train|
Of course, I feel guilty saying that. It doesn't fit with the idolized autism mother I always compare myself to. I'm not supposed to feel dread that school is over. I'm supposed to feel happy, energized, ready to enrich Janey's life with all kinds of helpful and fun activities. But every year up until this one, I felt dread instead. Dread of long days full of tears, days where my good intentions to do all kinds of interesting activities with Janey ran up against the fact she didn't want to do those activities, or her behavior was such that I couldn't do those activities with her alone. Dread of the feeling in mid-afternoon where all that keeps me going is counting the minutes until Tony gets home and I can collapse and have ten minutes to myself. Dread, mostly, for Janey---for the unhappiness that I can do nothing about often, for the boredom I fear that she feels, for the confusion I worry she has about transitions like school to summer---dread of a summer that I always feel falls far short of what I want her summers to be.
|Rest with William on the grass|
|Picking out a donut|
Yesterday, William and I took Janey into the city on the commuter train. I would not have dared to do such a thing in the recent past. It went fairly well. We let Janey pick where we walked, and that resulted in an interesting random ramble around downtown, eventually into a small park with a fountain. Janey said "I want to swim!" and I rolled up her pants and took off her shoes and she waded in the fountain for a long, long time. And I didn't care that she got some looks for the financial world type people that were all over the park. I enjoyed people-watching them, so the looking was two-way. We met Tony to take the train home with him after work, and then I took a long nap. If the summer can be like yesterday---not too bad, guilt-free and with Janey at least neutral if not happy all the time, I'm going to call it a success.
|South Station, Boston|
|Walking along the Rose Kennedy Greenway|