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Friday, April 11, 2014

In Dreams

I rarely dream about Janey, or any of my kids, or even my husband.  For whatever reason, my dreams are stuck in high school or college, or in an alternative world where I don't have a family.  But last night, I had a dream about Janey, one of the very, very few dreams I've had where she was "normal".  The dream was also set in the right now, another rarity.  She was talking to me like any other 9 year old would, telling me about her day of school, asking for various toys, laughing and joking with Freddy.  I was watching her in amazement, debating if I should call a new IEP meeting to tell everyone that she was "cured", that she can stay at her current school.  But even in the world of dream logic, I had my doubts.  I thought "Well, this is today, but tomorrow, she could regress back to how she was.  Probably better to just leave things as they are, and see what happens."

I know why I had the dream, of course.  Janey had about a 2 week good mood stretch, where she was happy most of the time, talking a little more (but nothing like the dream), not crying or screaming much.  It seems to be ending---she screamed a lot last night.  And I got the IEP to sign yesterday.  I am going to read it over carefully, of course, but the handwriting is on the wall.  She is changing placements, to a "substantially separate classroom"  And I am probably 95% sure that is the right decision.  But still, every day when I drop her off at school, I feel like crying, and sometimes do.  I tell myself that part of that is just that I don't like changes.  But it's not just that.  I love her school.  I love the people, the layout, the philosophy. There is a small part of me that feels bitter, although that is a useless and probably misplaced emotion.  But I still feel it a bit, if I am honest with myself, thinking "It's an INCLUSION school!  Whey can't they find a way to include Janey?" I know that they tried, very, very hard.  I know that Janey deserves a chance to prove what she can do in a classroom aimed at helping children just like herself.  I know all that.  But in my dream, I guess I was looking for the loophole.

We live in reality.  Maybe that's why even in dreams, I don't often let myself alter the here and now.  It's too hard to wake up from.  But also, it's not useful.  Janey is who she is.  I love her as she is.  That other Janey, that Janey in the dream, is not my Janey.  That Janey is not hiding someplace inside my Janey.  She is a dream character, and like the other dreams I had last night (just how do I think of these things---having to take a walking detour through a mall on my way home in a car, and that was bad because I was hurrying home as I'd promised a friend's husband I'd act as a shrill for his maple syrup booth at a a fair), it is just the mind for its own reasons making stories up in the night.  I kind of wish my mind would just stick to reliving endlessly the dramas of high school and college that seemed so important then.


Jim said...

My dear, whereever you may be in this world. My daughter...twobrothersonejourney...told me about your blog and said.."mom, you have to read this lady's blog."
I just read the "dream" post. I used to go to bed at night (right after Trenton's diagnosis) and pray to God to at least allow me to dream about him being "normal" to say.."Nana", run and play ball, etc. Well, it never happened, and I think the good Lord knew best. To wake up to the harsh reality would be "losing him" so to speak all over again! I am touched by your blog! You sound so much like my daughter. May God bless you both!

Unknown said...

My dreams are often stuck in the past too. Mainly high school days... sometimes I wonder if my soul travels back in time to the moments I felt most free. Parenting is hard. Parenting an autistic child is all consuming and I often wonder if my psyche is bringing itself back to a time when cares were naught and responsibility meant bringing out the trash. It makes me think of the song from Cinderella where they say "a dream is a wish your heart makes.. when you're fast asleep".. which always makes me feel a bit bad, like maybe somewhere inside I do wish from the freedom of teen-aged years.

I write this here because I know I will not be judged. I know I will not be attacked, as I have been before. I love my child with all of me, but that does not change the reality one iota. It is hard.