Back to Janey

I had a 4 night getaway in Maine, thanks to my parents and my friend Julie. It was wonderful---very relaxing. I missed everyone, but they seemed to do well without me. Janey had been over her crying times for several days, and she stayed happy and slept pretty well. I told her I was going, and talked a lot about how I'd come back, but I never know what she understands. I talked to her on the phone, but I never get much response from that. Nor did I when I actually got back. I have to admit it's a little sad to me. Janey did not show any sign of any emotion when she saw me. She looked completely uninterested. I know that can be that she was overwhelmed and just shut down, but I think I know that look, and it wasn't the one. Either I had prepared her very well and Tony and the boys had taken very good care of her, which was the case, or she really wasn't too torn up about me being gone. Which of course I wouldn't want her to be, but I'm human. It would have felt good to have her run and hug me and get excited. And she DOES do that with some people. She's done it at school quite a few times when seeing teachers or others she hasn't seen in a while, especially I was told when Donna, her PT, came back after being out for a while. She gets thrilled every time she sees my friend Maryellen. But for me, not so much. And I am fine with that. I guess that's the goal of attachment parenting, which isn't quite my philosophy, but which I agree with a lot of. She is securely attached and she knows I'm coming back. I'm rambling a bit.

Being away sometimes gives me a fresh perspective on Janey. This time, it make me think over again about how limited her ability to communicate is, and how I think a lot of her frustration is when she can't figure out how to ask for what she really wants. She asks for the closest equivalent she can say, and then isn't happy when she gets it, because it's not really what she wants. For example, she will often say "I want go in the car" I am pretty sure in her mind she has a specific destination, but she can't think of the words to ask. When she said that today, I tried listing everyplace I could think of she might want to go, and even that didn't work. She finally said "I want go in the car TO MAMA'S HOUSE" and when I said "We are already here!" she got upset. I was wondering (hoping, maybe) it was a roundabout way of telling me that when I was gone, she had wanted to go to where I was. But she's given that answer to where she wants to go a lot of times in the past, and I think more it means she wants to go in the car that is AT Mama's house, to go elsewhere. She also often says lately "I want water" which can mean anything from a bath to a drink to the wading pool to the beach to playing in the sink to washing her hands.

Anyway, in returning, I felt extremely grateful to Tony. He kept Janey happy, cleaned the house some, cleaned my car, had a special meal ready for me....I am very lucky, for friends and family that give me a chance to recharge and for a family I love to come home to.