It's all about Daddy right now

Lately, Janey has been going through an "it's all about Daddy" stage.  It's a stage I think a lot of girls go through at about age 4, and as Janey is delayed with most things, it's about the time for it, I guess.  Tony is a wonderful father, and he and Janey have always had a special bond.  We say a lot that she's the most like him, in her basic personality, the part that is unaffected by autism.  She likes to be on the move at all times, she loves cooking and food, she is more athletic than the boys, she just clicks with him very well.  But she's taking it to a new level the last few weeks.  The few days that for some reason Daddy wasn't there when she got home from after-school, which he usually is, she fell apart.  It's hard with her, as she doesn't come out and say "I'm sad because Daddy isn't here", but she asks to do the things they do together, and when I can't do them, or can't do them the way Daddy does, she is heartbroken.  This morning, I felt like for one of the first times, she was understanding he was about to go to work, and she was not happy at all.  A hour or so after he left, she looked at me in tears and said "Daddy!  Have a great day!  Daddy!" which is what he said to her before he left.  I called him at work so he could say it to her again and remind her he'll be home tonight, which seemed to work.

The picture is from a few years ago, but shows well the happiness Janey gets from the games that Daddy thinks up---this time, drumming with cans.

The hard part is when Tony has to be away.  It's hard for all of us, but it's especially hard for Janey.  His current job requires a week or so here and there of training around the country---last year it added up to 5 weeks, which was unusually much, but most years will require some time.  And generalizing more, it's hard for Janey when anyone isn't around that she expects to be around.  The other day, she rode along when we took her cousin Zeben back to the airport.  That was hard, but what was harder is that William got out with him to say goodbye and took the T home, so he wasn't in the car going home.  About half way home, Janey suddenly said "William back!" and started to cry.  I know she thought William had left, like Zeben leaves, and wouldn't be back for a while.  We try to explain, but that is a concept that's a big beyond her.  It must be a scary world to live in, without a mental clock or calendar in her head, or one that seems to work well.  People can just disappear, and although she sometimes knows when they will be back, if that schedule is even a little off, I think she feels very unsure if she'll ever see them again.

I'm very, lucky to have a husband like Tony, and the kids are lucky to have him as a father.  He loves Janey (and the boys) exactly as they are.  Her autism is something that he can, better than I can, look around and past, to just see the little girl he wanted so much, the girl that adores him and is his joy.  Here they are, running together, two of the loves of my life.

Back to Janey

I had a 4 night getaway in Maine, thanks to my parents and my friend Julie. It was wonderful---very relaxing. I missed everyone, but they seemed to do well without me. Janey had been over her crying times for several days, and she stayed happy and slept pretty well. I told her I was going, and talked a lot about how I'd come back, but I never know what she understands. I talked to her on the phone, but I never get much response from that. Nor did I when I actually got back. I have to admit it's a little sad to me. Janey did not show any sign of any emotion when she saw me. She looked completely uninterested. I know that can be that she was overwhelmed and just shut down, but I think I know that look, and it wasn't the one. Either I had prepared her very well and Tony and the boys had taken very good care of her, which was the case, or she really wasn't too torn up about me being gone. Which of course I wouldn't want her to be, but I'm human. It would have felt good to have her run and hug me and get excited. And she DOES do that with some people. She's done it at school quite a few times when seeing teachers or others she hasn't seen in a while, especially I was told when Donna, her PT, came back after being out for a while. She gets thrilled every time she sees my friend Maryellen. But for me, not so much. And I am fine with that. I guess that's the goal of attachment parenting, which isn't quite my philosophy, but which I agree with a lot of. She is securely attached and she knows I'm coming back. I'm rambling a bit.

Being away sometimes gives me a fresh perspective on Janey. This time, it make me think over again about how limited her ability to communicate is, and how I think a lot of her frustration is when she can't figure out how to ask for what she really wants. She asks for the closest equivalent she can say, and then isn't happy when she gets it, because it's not really what she wants. For example, she will often say "I want go in the car" I am pretty sure in her mind she has a specific destination, but she can't think of the words to ask. When she said that today, I tried listing everyplace I could think of she might want to go, and even that didn't work. She finally said "I want go in the car TO MAMA'S HOUSE" and when I said "We are already here!" she got upset. I was wondering (hoping, maybe) it was a roundabout way of telling me that when I was gone, she had wanted to go to where I was. But she's given that answer to where she wants to go a lot of times in the past, and I think more it means she wants to go in the car that is AT Mama's house, to go elsewhere. She also often says lately "I want water" which can mean anything from a bath to a drink to the wading pool to the beach to playing in the sink to washing her hands.

Anyway, in returning, I felt extremely grateful to Tony. He kept Janey happy, cleaned the house some, cleaned my car, had a special meal ready for me....I am very lucky, for friends and family that give me a chance to recharge and for a family I love to come home to.