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Friday, May 25, 2012

Okay, another check on the checklist

The latest news from the world of autism? Fever during pregnancy can double the risk of autism. Here's an article. Lovely. Another way I caused Janey's autism. It's like I went into the future, found a list of all the ways they were going to decide autism could be caused, made up a checklist and tried to hit them all. If there was something called double autism, she'd probably have that, I hit so many of those checkmarks.

The fever I had, at 12 weeks, was pretty severe. It was caused by my reaction to Aldomet, which I was put on due to getting preeclampsia (high blood pressure and other problems) early in my pregnancy. Of course, preeclampsia is another risk factor recently discovered for autism. Of course.

I can't wish they wouldn't discover all this stuff. I want to help other mothers-to-be. And I know that I certainly didn't MEAN to put Janey at risk for autism. I would have done ANYTHING during my pregnancy to avoid it, if I had known. But I didn't. Nor did Tony, who was an older father, one of the rare instances where fathers can join in the guilt parade. I didn't know another medication I was taking, which I repeatedly asked my OB if I should stop taking, would later to said to be another possible cause.

I know it doesn't do a bit of good for me, or for Janey, to get upset over all this. I don't have a time machine. I can't change anything. And I should feel happy for others, who might not have a child with autism due to all the recent discoveries. But of course, I feel guilty. That's what mothers do.

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