Okay, another check on the checklist

The latest news from the world of autism? Fever during pregnancy can double the risk of autism. Here's an article. Lovely. Another way I caused Janey's autism. It's like I went into the future, found a list of all the ways they were going to decide autism could be caused, made up a checklist and tried to hit them all. If there was something called double autism, she'd probably have that, I hit so many of those checkmarks.

The fever I had, at 12 weeks, was pretty severe. It was caused by my reaction to Aldomet, which I was put on due to getting preeclampsia (high blood pressure and other problems) early in my pregnancy. Of course, preeclampsia is another risk factor recently discovered for autism. Of course.

I can't wish they wouldn't discover all this stuff. I want to help other mothers-to-be. And I know that I certainly didn't MEAN to put Janey at risk for autism. I would have done ANYTHING during my pregnancy to avoid it, if I had known. But I didn't. Nor did Tony, who was an older father, one of the rare instances where fathers can join in the guilt parade. I didn't know another medication I was taking, which I repeatedly asked my OB if I should stop taking, would later to said to be another possible cause.

I know it doesn't do a bit of good for me, or for Janey, to get upset over all this. I don't have a time machine. I can't change anything. And I should feel happy for others, who might not have a child with autism due to all the recent discoveries. But of course, I feel guilty. That's what mothers do.