Games with Janey

One of the challenges with Janey is finding ways to play with her.  Playing keeps her engaged, and it gives us a chance to work on turn taking, speech, imagination---and most importantly, I want her to have fun!  But like a lot of things I try to do with Janey, it's easier said than done.  Actual, structured games like board games are beyond Janey.  Often I resort to baby type games with her, like patty cake or Here We Go To Boston or even basic peek-a-boo.  But Janey's not a baby, and although she enjoys those games, they don't have a lot of scope for expansion.  Imaginative play doesn't really work.  Janey doesn't get it, and since doing real things like using the phone are not something she can do, pretending to use the phone or pretending to put a baby to bed or so on are not fun for her.  If you don't get what you are pretending, it's hard to pretend.

There's a few things that work.  One is playing catch.  Janey loves to catch and throw balls.  She's no expert, and she misses most of the time when catching, but that doesn't bother her.  She's not that bad at throwing!  I crocheted a ball out of yarn and stuffed it, for safe in the house play, and the other weekend all 5 of us had a very good time tossing it around.  We play with balloons sometimes too, and kick a ball around outside on occasion.  Another favorite of Janey's is one she plays mostly with Freddy---the "I'm going to get you!" game.  He chases her around yelling "I'm going to get you!" and then catches up with her and grabs her shoulder and says "I got you!"  She screams in excitement and then runs off again, turning around now and then to say "I'm going to get you!" to spur Freddy on.

The cats provide us with a lot of entertainment, and I am really pleased that lately Janey seems to notice them a lot more.  She likes gently patting them, and she LOVES the game where I pretend they should be able to talk.  When I tell them to say hi to her, she laughs and laughs.  I think on some level she gets it---cats can't talk, but I'm telling them to talk!  She probably relates to that quite a bit.  And I can get out a little frustration with what I say to the cats "Now, come on, Ash!  You could at least say 'Hi' to Janey!  Be polite and say hi to her!"  The cats never do, so we settle for them giving Janey a high five.  That game can keep her happy for long, long periods, until the cats get fed up and leave.

Last night we had a long round of another of her favorites---Ghost.  This means just putting a blanket over her head or mine and saying we are a ghost.  It actually allows a lot of work on skills.  I can ask Janey if she wants to be the ghost next or if she wants me to, I can give her ideas what to say as a ghost (mostly OOOOOOOO, but we mix it up a little with some "I've come to haunt you!" and so on), we can work on pretend and real when I pretend I really think Janey is a ghost, and then she takes a blanket off and I made a big deal of being relieved it's just my sweet Janey.  We can easily involve other people by going in to scare Freddy or William while they do homework.  And I can introduce words---last night we worked on "double" and "two" by being a double ghost together---the scariest kind of ghost of all, I used to always say when the boys were a double ghost to scare me, back in the day!

As fun as the few games Janey get into can be, it's also frustrating work to play with her.  She never introduces new twists on her own.  She'd be happy if I just played peek-a-boo with her for hours on end.  I have to be very careful to try to vary what I say during games, or it becomes a fixed piece of echolalia forever associated with that game, and she gets upset if I don't say the right thing.  And perhaps the hardest part is that Janey rarely seeks out playing.  She'd  probably frankly be happier if I just mostly left her alone to watch a video or bite on a biteable toy.  It can start to feel like a one-man show playing with her after a short time.  But I do have to believe it's valuable time.  Even if she learns nothing from playing, if she's enjoying herself and enjoying my company for a few minutes, that's a plus.  That's what we want our kids to have as part of their childhood---happy interactions with their parents stored somewhere in the memory banks.  I hope Janey's brain has a place with that kind of memory.

Mouthing

Janey puts everything in her mouth.  This is a behavior that hasn't gotten a bit better over time.  Lately, it seems worse.  If she gets a new toy or stuffed animal, the absolute first way she explores it is by putting it in her mouth.  Researching this, I found most toddlers stop the mouthing by around age 2.  That's why there's usually a 3 and under choking warning on small toys---because by age 3, the mouthing is not as much of a problem.  Of course, Janey lives in a 3 and older world.  It would be literally impossible to keep every single small item out of her reach.  She couldn't go to school, the boys couldn't have things they need for school, heck, even clothes for an 8 year old have small parts.  Knock on wood, Janey haven't ever choked on anything, and she doesn't seem very inclined to swallow what goes in her mouth, except food.  She does like to chew on things like pieces of plastic or pieces of paper, when I'm not looking, but she's also good about taking out what is in her mouth as soon as I ask her.  Still, it's a big problem.  It's one of the reasons I always have to stay alert and keep an eye on her, just in case.  And although we've been very lucky so far, that is no guarantee that someday she might have a choking issue.

I looked for theories as to why kids with autism sometimes are mouthers.  One idea is that the mouth is hyposensitive---under sensitive, and they are seeking out sensation.  That makes a little sense.  Janey does like hot foods and spicy foods, and she will eat things with textures most kids avoid.  Another thought is it's just a very delayed developmental stage.  Janey is at a toddler stage in a lot of ways, so I guess that could be it.  I think it might have something to do with her teeth, too.  She's losing teeth here and there, and I know that can make your mouth feel odd---a little different every day---and she might be wanting to explore the new tooth arrangement often.  It also might just be a habit.

Usually, the mouthing is not actually eating non-food substances, not actually pica.  But occasionally Janey will try to eat paper.  I can relate to this a little.  As a girl, I was drawn to eating paper long enough that I can remember doing so.  Unlike Janey, I knew I wasn't supposed to, and hid doing it.  I can remember it being a texture thing---the paper just felt good to chew.  It's kind of cool in an odd way to be able to relate in that way to one of Janey's odd behaviors, even while I am telling her firmly to spit out that wad of paper.  I still am hugely drawn to chewing ice, even though I know it's awful for the teeth.  I know that, but still, I can't help wanting to crack that ice with my teeth.  I try to use that in dealing with Janey and mouthing.  I'm not going to try to get her to never put things in her mouth.  It's more I want her to have a lot of safe things around to put in her mouth.  I buy big bags of baby toys at the thrift store I go to, and wash them in hot water.  There's always a baby toy around, and when Janey starts mouthing inappropriate things, I try to hand her a baby toy to chew.  I resisted doing this until a year or so ago, hung up on the "age appropriate" bit, but now, I don't care.  I care about developmental appropriateness, if that's a thing!  Hopefully, someday, the mouthing will end.  For now, it's another challenge in making the world as Janey-safe as I can.

Autism and Toys --- Some Thoughts

I've written before about how hard it is to find toys that engage Janey. It's something that has frustrated me for years. She has little interest in most toys, and is unable to use others, due to the difficulty of operating them or the small and dangerous pieces she might put in her mouth, or just due to her love of tossing things all over the floor and losing them. We are left with few toys that work for her, and this is upsetting to me, as I am a big believer in toys and how important they are for kids. I've figured out a few things that work for us over the years, and here are a few ideas...

1. Fidget toys. These are usually things actually designed for people to have at their desks in offices, and to play around with as a way to fidget. Not all of these are at all suitable, of course, like things with magnets or breakable ones, but lots are---mushy figures you can push in, Tangles that can be turned in all directions, Kushie type toys, toys with water inside you can move from side to side to see the waves move, things like that. I have gotten a lot of these from office supply sites.

2. Baby toys. I used to resist these, wanting Janey to have "age-appropriate" toys, but lately I've kind of given up on that. Baby toys are pretty cool these days! They have all kinds of textures, they often make noise or play music, they are non-breakable and can't be eaten---in a lot of ways, they are perfect for Janey. She is most interested in electronic ones, like V-Tech or LeapFrog toys, and I've had good luck finding them used.

3. Water toys. Janey, like so many kids with autism, loves water. She loves being in the bath or the wading pool or any kind of swimming. Anything that can stand water is a great toy for her. She loves to toss things in water and see what happens, so it's great to find toys that allow that.

4. Balls. Janey loves to kick or throw balls. She is getting better at it! I try to find balls that are safe for the house somewhat, so she can use them all year round.

5. Stuffed Animals. This is a new category for Janey, because I have a new approach to them. I'd never buy one new unless it was a very special circumstance, but at the thrift store I like, they sell big bags stuffed VERY full of assorted stuffed animals, for usually $4. They have about 15 toys in them! I take these in the car, and hand one to Janey at the beginning of almost every drive. She likes holding them, feeling the textures and exploring them, and every now and then she finds one she gets attached to, like recently a monkey and an elephant. I think of them as disposable, as it's impossible to keep her from sometimes wrecking them or losing them, but at that price, it's okay.

6. Bubbles. Janey has learned how to blow bubbles herself, although you have to watch her pretty carefully so she doesn't spill the whole jar of them the minute she picks them up. She also loves bubbles blown for her.

There are some toys you always see in lists of "Best Toys for Autism" that just don't cut it for Janey. A lot of these are toys that are for higher functioning kids with autism, like Geosafari toys or complicated train sets. Puzzles don't work well, just because she will so often toss the pieces, and I don't have the organizational skills to keep track of them well. Playdoh WOULD be great, as she loves it, but she loves to eat it as much as play with it, and although we've given it second and third and fourth chances, she can't resist. Although I think she likes to draw and paint at school, at home, she doesn't seem to care for it. And she has never shown much interest at all in dolls, which is probably one of my biggest areas of sadness about her. It's my dream, not hers, to have a daughter that loved dolls as I did.

Of course, one of her favorite "toys" is her iPad, but that's a different category I'll write about soon!