Search This Blog

Monday, July 30, 2012

Thoughts about depression

I don't know if depression is the right word for what I often feel. It's not depression of the kind that comes out of no-where. It's depression that sneaks in quietly, evaluates the facts and settles in for a long stay, never completely taking me over but eating away at the edges of my mind. A quick search for "autism" "mothers" and "depression" turned up this article. It's 5 years old, but not much has changed in the world of depressed mothers. I like it very much, because it politely says what I often think---it's depressing to be the mother of an autistic child because it's just plain a very, very hard life with no relief in site. It's not some complicated to figure out thing, as the study mentioned in the beginning of the article thought. It's what the author of the article says---the social isolation that having an autistic child breeds, the lack of sleep, the monetary problems from not being able to work or from medications or treatments, the battles to get your child what they need, and most of all, I think, the future not having relief in site---the knowing that until the day I die, I will be responsible for Janey.

I'd add a few to the article---the tension that the autistic child creates in a household, that leads to everyone being on edge and more prone to fighting, the endless cleaning up of the messes the autistic child makes, the media finding a new way every day to point out how you inadvertently caused your child to be autistic, the few unkind strangers who make going out in public a minefield, the sadness from not ever being able to give your other children enough time, the worry about what is happening to your non-verbal child when you aren't with them...I probably could go on for a good long while.

And so I don't think it's strictly right to call what other parents and I often feel "depression". I call it more...a logical reaction. Tonight it is feeling that way, anyway. Back to trying to be upbeat next time, I promise.

No comments: