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Sunday, July 22, 2012

Crying, Depression

Janey has had a tough 4 days or so. She has been doing a lot of crying---not all day long crying, but crying bouts that last hours. She has been waking up crying and going to sleep crying, with some calm times and some crying times in-between. I have no idea why. I rarely do. Summer school is going well, things are pretty calm at home, but still, she cries. The best way we deal with it is get a lot of food into her fast. It often seems hunger related. Or get her active--take her out someplace, although that is not always possible at 6am or 10pm.

And I realize that when she cries, I get depressed. I get hopeless feeling. I can't deal with it well at all. I just get a feeling that there is no end, no cure, nothing I can do to fix anything. As I've said before, it's like colic in a baby. You can't make them happy. You can't console them. You just have to last it out. But with Janey, is the lasting it out going to be the rest of my life? On depressed days, I don't see a way it won't be. She makes small bits of progress, but if I am honest with myself, not big bits. She knows a little more academically, but her ABA specialist has seen that some of it has been lost this summer, even with his great continued ABA. I don't know how next year will be in school. She is not truly talking much more than years ago. There are bits and pieces here and there, and she is understanding more, but her speech is still so limited.

And of course I might not be seeing things clearly. That is what depression does. I don't know if this is really what people mean by depression. Somehow I picture depression as a wave that hits you for no reason. There is a reason here. But it seems to affect me like people say depression affects them. I slow down. I can't think quickly how to make things better. I feel trapped, hopeless. I would do anything to make things happier for Janey, if there was anything I could do, but most days, there isn't. It's like a weather system. It sweeps in and then sweeps out. You have to ride it out. Hurricane Janey.

1 comment:

Jenn said...

Hi there! I seen this post on facebook today, and instantly thought of you. I'm not sure if you've seen it, but if you haven't...maybe this will give you some hope!