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Friday, July 20, 2012

Endless morning

Janey woke this morning in a mood. She has been awake for 90 minutes, and those have been 90 minutes in, well, I'll just say it, hell. Right now she is momentarily watching a video, but I stop writing every 30 seconds or so to check that is still the case. If I don't, she will dump everything she can find on the floor, she will break whatever she can get her hands on, she will scream and yell and hit.

The problem that started it all is a lack of raisins. Janey thought there were raisins in a place we've kept them before, up high so she doesn't just dump them all out and create sticky little places all over the house. We were, however, out of raisins. She did not accept that fact, and stood looking up where they should be, screaming "I WANT RAISINS" for a good long time. I should have just left it at that---at least it kept her occupied. But she does need breakfast, so I made oatmeal. She ate a bit, threw a bit on the floor, and dumped the rest in the sink, which is better than the floor, but we don't have a garbage disposal, so I had to use a paper towel to get it out and throw it away. In the confusion, I had forgotten to tie up the fridge, which we have to do with an increasingly complex system, as Janey has figured out all the rest. So she reached in and found yogurt, opened it and then dumped it. She was supposedly in time out after that, but of course I'm cleaning up the yogurt, and without someone sitting there keeping her in time out, it doesn't work.

Then she asked for a video, which I am sure all of you are thinking "Why in heck should that girl get a video this morning?" Well, it comes down to my futile hope to get able to drink my coffee. Too big a dream, but hey, I'm a dreamer. I took a few swallows of it before something in the video displeased her and she freaked out screaming. That screaming took on the form of saying "WAAAAA! WAAAAA!" in a very fake way. I was about broken at that point. She asked for another video, Baby Newton. She had an idea which cassette it was, but she was wrong. However, when I tried to put on the right cassette, she was not pleased. So I put on the wrong one, knowing it would not be a happy scene, and of course it wasn't. At that point, I just yelled at her, never a constructive thing to do, but I would guess a saint would not have been able to resist by then. I yelled she would watch that video or nothing. So she is, although I've gotten up 10 times to intercede in potential disasters, and to give in and give her one of her breakfasts of choice, a bowl of ketchup.

What's the point here? I don't know. The point I guess is that caring for a low functioning and emotionally volatile autism child is not easy. I look at myself in the mirror and I am aging fast. I live in a constant state of stress. The good times help, but when mornings like this come, it's not easy. I think how for some parents, this might be the worst morning they ever had with their kids, but for me, it's not even in the top 50.

Maybe the point is that it's good to have a place to rant, and you, my dear readers, are doing me a favor by listening. Thanks.


Lighthousegal said...

I enjoy reading your post. Hearing about the day to day struggles , as well as the special moments, that you have with your daughter are heart warming. Though you mention being stressed, you must be a very strong person, one that is able to give this precious child what she needs. God choice you to be her Mom, because he knew you were what she needed.
I read in one of your post that you play Face Book Scrabble. Have you ever played Words With Friends? It is a Face Book game also and just like Scrabble. You can play your Face Book friends or choose random players and you can play at YOUR leisure. It is my favorite game and I would be honored to play games with you. My name is Jeanette Bratcher, you can check out my page if you like and add me if you want so that we can play the game. I understand if you decline.

Suzanne said...

That would be fun! I play Words with Friends a little, not as much as Scrabble, maybe a turn a day, but if that is good with you, I'd love to! Thanks so much for your kind words.