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Tuesday, March 4, 2014

The days it all catches up to me

Once in a while, I have a day like today.  Today, I just couldn't get anything done while Janey was at school.  I napped.  I watched a little TV.  I sat mindlessly at the computer.  I made myself do the things I had to do.  I got Janey ready for school and took her there.  I mailed some packages.  I folded some laundry.  But beyond that, I felt like I was dragging around a huge weight.

I imagine this is depression, in a way.  Janey is having a medium-tough time lately.  She's been doing some things like scratching herself and biting the place on her arm she likes to bite, and she's been doing a lot of screaming.  She has been sleeping somewhat irregularly---not as bad as it's been, but not good.  She is not talking much, and when she does, she's running the words together, so it's hard to understand her.  She has not gotten over Kipper being taken off Netflix, although we found it on Amazon, but she can't quite access that on her own.  I haven't seen a lot of smiling lately.  I haven't seen my happy Janey in a bit.  And it all wears me down.

I tell myself, and I know in my heart, that most any mother would have days like this when dealing with a child with serious disabilities.  But when the weight comes over me, I don't think completely straight.  I don't tell myself to just let it all go for a day, to give myself a day to just feel it.  I feel angry at myself that I can't get things done.  I feel like a failure for my lack of energy.

I say this all not to just be a downer, but to talk to others out there that I know, from the years I've been writing here, feel the same way at times.  I am going to try to give myself permission to sometimes feel overwhelmed.  I'm going to try hard to accept that some days are going to be given over to feeling what I honestly feel---overwhelmed, discouraged, scared, tired.  The internet isn't always a welcoming place to such feelings.  So many blogs, advice pages, news articles---they are full of solutions, of ideas, of forward motion, of encouragement.  And that is great.  There are days I need that.  But some days, I think I need to accept that being Janey's mother is a very tough gig.  And if you are reading this and you are also struggling with negative feelings---let's make a pact to just let ourselves feel them, once in a while.


Unknown said...

I'll pray for you to feel better :)

Unknown said...

I definitely have those days too.

Hillary K. said...

I am amazed that you have the wherewithal to write about it while you are living it! I think you are amazing...and wish I could somehow give you something back. Your words resonate and bring comfort, I'm sure, to many.

Antti said...

I have always felt that the recovery time after a sleepless period is the trickiest. You would think that a few nights of moderate sleep is sufficient, but suddenly you run out of humor in a situation you have handled innumerable times before, or you just don't get "the big wheel" turning. Who knows, maybe Janey is also having a recovery period? (I assume you are, I hope you don't mind.)
Anyway, I hope you are getting your strength back and no longer feel like a failure (for being human).

Antti said...

...feel like a failure (you are only being human ).
(My English, my English...)