Tuesday, March 13, 2012
The Buck Stops Here
Not a long post here, as my thoughts aren't organized in a blog-worthy way. Tonight I've just been thinking a lot about the essential loneliness of having a child like Janey. I am so much luckier than most, with a supportive husband and sons, a wonderful school, good friends and all. But when it comes right down to it, Janey is my responsibility. Mine and Tony's, but somehow, a mother is the most responsible. I can complain to others, get support from others, get help from others, but when Janey is screaming and I don't know what's wrong, or when I am overwhelmed by the inability to do any housework or cooking or reading or anything without Janey doing something messy or dangerous, it's me who it all reflects on. The house is a mess, I don't work as much as I should, I don't keep up with friends the way I should, I don't go to school meetings or community events or funerals or volunteer opportunities or anything like that as I feel I should. I know what I can do and not do, but it is very hard to explain this to others without it seeming like complaining or using Janey as an excuse. I am worn down. At times I want so much to just pour everything out to people, and I hold back from doing so, because it's not their burden. I am becoming more inwardly facing. I truly feel very alone sometimes, and I know I'm not, but in a way, when Janey has been crying for a long time, and the housework has built up and I have a drawer full of bills, I am alone. It's no-one else's problem but my own. That's the case with any mother, I guess, and it's my job, but tonight, it feels tough.