Some days lately I can feel upbeat, but today was not one of them. If you aren't in the mood for a depressed rambling entry, you might want to skip this one.
Janey was home today and it was just such an endless depressing day. She will be back in school tomorrow, but even one day is hard. She spent the day in three ways---begging for videos which she will watch for a minute or two and then cry about or ask for another different one, crying for no reason I can figure out and laughing hysterically for no reason I can figure out. I guess there were a few food requests in there too. I tried to do so many other things. I read to her---the only book she wants lately is Dr. Seuss' ABCs, because she has a computer version of that and the book is just the same. I tried to play blocks with her. I tried to do a workbook page about shapes with her---I KNOW she knows at least circle, but she just completely wouldn't do a thing. I tried just following her lead---floor time, as they like to call it. She just cried and begged for "Kipper, Kipper!" I tried to do dishes with her "helping". She asked for a glass of water and flung it on the ground. I opened peanuts in the shell for her, the only way she likes peanuts now. I did something wrong, and she grabbed all the peanuts and flung them on my bed. I could go on and on. Just mostly picture the background sound---either a crying that never ends or a giggling kind of meaningless laughter that never ends.
And I can't help it---I extrapolate. I picture this day multiplied by a million. I picture her at 20 or 30, when I am older and more tired than I already am, everything the same. That's not fair to her. I hope she will learn, she will grow. I should look forward to the future. But I don't, lately. I am just so tired. I read an article somewhere today that said it's been shown that mothers of autistic kids have the same stress level, as measured by blood hormones, as combat soldiers. I've never been in combat, and that seems a little extreme, but not totally so. You are always on guard. You never know when something is going to go badly wrong. Even when all seems calm, in a second there can be screaming, broken things, a child running off. Even when your child is away, at school, you are waiting for a phone call. It never, ever, ever, ever ends.
Still with me? I did warn you! I'll try to get my energy and hope back soon. But not today.