The lights

I have been upset lately by some of Janey's new habits. She is more and more into looking at lights, and getting totally caught up in them. A few days ago she came home from school and started playing with a toy she has that plays music and has lights that flash. She put her face right straight down on the lights so they were flashing in her eyes. I pulled her away but the minute I wasn't stopping her, she was back doing it. She is finding sunlight filtering in and playing in it with her hand forever if I don't stop her. It is scary to see---I always feel like she is slipping away from me, like she is falling off a cliff and I am holding onto her hand but losing grip. She is also calling people by wrong names more and more. It's like she knows people have names, but they are starting to be interchangable to her. I am called Daddy half the time, when Carrie was here she called her Nana, she calls her teachers whatever teacher name comes to mind.

I called the TILL autism support center today to see when there was a support group. I have resisted support groups with every ounce of my being, as I felt like I wasn't really in need of one, that Janey was different and I didn't need to talk to people with REALLY autistic kids. But I am being knocked out of that feeling. I do need to talk to them. There is one next week and I will go.

I have been very very depressed this last few days. Lots of things, but a lot of it is worry and fear and terror over what will happen with Janey.