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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Depressed

I have been depressed lately. Usually I do pretty well not letting things get me down, but not lately. I am feeling like I am no good to Janey, that I don't do the right things to "cure" her, even though I don't believe in cures. But the people who do, who have faith in lactose free diets or ABA or Floortime or anything, at least feel like they are doing something. I see Janey making her hand circles, or obsessively pushing buttons on a play phone, or getting hysterical when I sing a song that might make her "stuck", or ignoring the 2 sweet girls from her class that run over to her and say "It's Janey! Janey's here!" when I know in a few years if she doesn't ever respond, they will just stop trying. I just don't get sometimes why this has all happened. I KNOW she wasn't autistic from birth. I KNOW something happened, starting around June 2007. But what? What did I do or not do, or what happened in her brain, WHY? Why can't I have a girl like it sometimes seems there are a million of, so talkative and cute and lively, or even shy and clinging and just wanting to be with Mama, but talking to Mama and her family, or even a brat who is smart as a whip (no, I don't really want that). Most days I am good at the unconditional love, but other days it's not that it's conditional, but it's just harder to feel an outpouring of it. I feel someone else could do such a better job than me.

3 comments:

Carrie Gorman said...

You will be happy to know that I had a conversation with my friend about all of the 'cures' for autism and he feels exactly as you do. He gets annoyed when people give him advice on diets, avant garde treatments, etc. Although they are only trying to help, it is none-the-less hard, because it feels as if they are saying you aren't doing enough as a parent to help your child, while the truth is you want nothing less than the very best and have to choose your own methods of trying to give that to your autistic child. I think you are doing wonderfully.

Suzanne said...

Thanks so much for your comment! You make me feel so happy with what you said. I will really enjoy talking someday to your friend. It's just how it feels when people give you advice, like they are saying you just aren't up to snuff. Plus, if you did pick one "cure" path to follow, then all the OTHER people would think you were wrong, and it's just a no win thing.

Tea Mommy said...

You are making me cry. I feel like I was writing this. I feel so much less alone. Thank you for that.