Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I have been depressed lately. Usually I do pretty well not letting things get me down, but not lately. I am feeling like I am no good to Janey, that I don't do the right things to "cure" her, even though I don't believe in cures. But the people who do, who have faith in lactose free diets or ABA or Floortime or anything, at least feel like they are doing something. I see Janey making her hand circles, or obsessively pushing buttons on a play phone, or getting hysterical when I sing a song that might make her "stuck", or ignoring the 2 sweet girls from her class that run over to her and say "It's Janey! Janey's here!" when I know in a few years if she doesn't ever respond, they will just stop trying. I just don't get sometimes why this has all happened. I KNOW she wasn't autistic from birth. I KNOW something happened, starting around June 2007. But what? What did I do or not do, or what happened in her brain, WHY? Why can't I have a girl like it sometimes seems there are a million of, so talkative and cute and lively, or even shy and clinging and just wanting to be with Mama, but talking to Mama and her family, or even a brat who is smart as a whip (no, I don't really want that). Most days I am good at the unconditional love, but other days it's not that it's conditional, but it's just harder to feel an outpouring of it. I feel someone else could do such a better job than me.