Janey singing

I've been trying today when Janey starts singing a song to resist the temptation to sing along, and just listen to how she sings. I think I always feel like I have to be in teach mode, and I should sing along to help her learn. But it was great today just listening. She sang her version of Hush Little Baby, with lines like "Sonic's gonna buy you a knockingbird" and "When that dying ring turns grass", instead of Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird and When that diamond ring turns brass. She loves to sing Frosty the Snowman lately, and sings most of the words to that the conventional way, in rhythm and tune, even when it changes tempo with the Thumpity Thump Thump part.

Good times

I had some great times with Janey the past few days. I feel like we really were connecting, after feeling for a while like she liked everyone else better than Mama! The other night, Tony was working out with the ski machine, so I took her into the bathroom to keep her out of his way. There was a big My Little Pony in there, an oversized one. She showed an interest so I ran with it, and we gave the pony a bath and shampoo. Then we played with him (her?) for such a long time! Janey was really playing some nice pretend play and we both were having fun. She told me to kiss the pony, and actually held it up to my lips and said "MAH" like a kiss. Then today I was playing show tunes on the TV, one of the music channels, and they played "Let's Go Fly A Kite" She was in the sunlight and started to dance to it, her wonderful dancing which she must have gotten from her grandfather Amara as I sure can't dance and Tony doesn't much either. I got up and danced and sang with her, in the light, and it just felt like one of those perfect moments, like at the end of a movie or tv show when the music swells and you get that Happily Ever After moment. I have to remember moments like that. I love her so much just the way she is---she is an amazing girl---beautiful, creative, graceful, endless fascinating. Certainly challenging, but also just an amazing daughter.

The morning with Janey

Morning started about 2am---Janey woke up ready to have fun. There is no getting her back to sleep when she gets like this---she is sort of manic. Tony and I took turns sleeping and trying to get her to sleep. She fell back asleep about 6:30, and slept until about 10. So I had a restful time which I needed after the short night. When she got up, I let her wake up gradually, as sudden wakings are not her thing. Once she was all the way up, I gave her breakfast. Then I tried to sneakily read her a book, by reading it "to myself", but she caught on and threw a fit. She hates to be read to. Then we played kitties for quite a while. Mostly this is her saying things about them "The kitties are awake", "The Kitties woke up". I did something that upset her, so it made Stripe Kitty upset, and I had to hold Stripe Kitty for a long time. Janey makes sure I am holding her right, with 2 hands. I do to kitty what I would do with Janey when she is upset---sing her songs, especially When You Walk Through the Storm, and pat her. I take this chance to talk to Kitty about things that might be upsetting Janey, and Janey does listen but who knows what gets through? Then I tried a show on Disney Channel, but that was not in Janey's plan so she threw another fit. TV off. Then we had lunch. Janey then noticed a boxed present from Christmas, a Calico Critters kitchen. It has been making her upset looking at it for days. I finally decided to just open it up, as it couldn't be worse than how upset just looking at the outside of the box was making her. She was not pleased, but paid attention as I took out all the adorable pieces. A dumb present from me, I guess, but it's the kind of thing I wish she liked, and she does like the fuzzy Critters, but not the furniture, I guess. She tried to eat the play toast, I think it's not that she thinks it's real but it's a way of showing how mad she is. After a while with me playing and her whimpering and watching, she started saying "I'm stuck! I'm stuck!" which means she is upset about something and it's stuck in her head. I put all the toys away. Now she is playing with some of the furniture I just put away. Often it's that way, I have to almost force her to try new things, and then later she likes them.

It makes me think reading this that it sounds like I am always trying to get her to do something she doesn't want to. But if I just let the day go except as she liked, it would either be (if it's a TV day) her watching TV for a long time, or more often, her repeating phrases and looking at her hands and crying. She is upset either way, so I do try to give her something new to do. It makes me so upset that I can't make her happy. I don't know what to do a lot of times. Now she is saying "Somebody stole my sock drawer! It was you! It was Ja-Cai (a boy in her class she talks about a lot"

Time to get ready for school, where she is almost always extremely happy.

Happy and Sad New Year

The new year has started off in such a mixed way. New Year's Day was great. Janey was at the best I've seen her in a LONG time. She was talking so much, playing pretend play all day with her cotton cats from Peru, making them hug, talking to me, being so engaged,using words I haven't heard her use in a year, asking for her Care Bears movie which she has had no interest in for a long long time---it was truly wonderful. When she has a day like that, I think it will last. I guess I am an optimist at heart, and I always think the good times will last and the bad times won't last long. It isn't always true. The next few days were awful. She was angry and upset all day, lashing out, trying to bite a lot, crying, etc. Yesterday Tony was up with her early, and I woke up to her having an extremely severe fit---and screaming "I'm NOT CRAZY!" I have no idea where she heard that word applied to her. It all started when Tony let her turn on the coffee maker. He had no idea why that set her off. Later, I broke my vow and tried to go to the Chinese buffet with all of us. She was okay for a while, eating french fries with ketchup, but then got upset and smashed her hands into the ketchup in a bowl, screamed so loud there was no question of keeping her in there. I took her out to the car and spent the end of yet another restaurant meal calming her in the car. Never again. But she started talking about the morning, and said "I broke the coffee maker! It made a sound! I'm sorry!" I think she thought the turning on sound was the sound of it breaking, and she was scared by it. I guess it's progress she did talk about what happened, but there are so many sounds out there and it's so hard to keep any of them from scaring her. It just goes on forever and ever.

Tough days

Janey was sick over Christmas, mostly Christmas eve, she was getting better after that, and today I think was mostly better physically, but TERRIBLE in behavior. She whined all day and threw many, many tantrums. They are getting more destructive---she does things like trying to break things we are using like computers, trying to smash on the TV, biting on everything she can and sometimes biting holes in things, and when she was really losing it, trying very hard to bite me and succeeding in scratching my face quite badly. It is so hard to deal with. I keep telling myself she is a little 4 year old girl, small for her age even, and I need to keep that in mind, but sometimes I feel almost scared of her. I love her so very much and want her to be happy more than anything on earth, but I don't know how to keep her happy. She said in the middle of one of her fits that she was scared, actually she said "The crocodile scared me". The crocodile was in a pop-up book and did startle her, but that was about a month ago, so I think she just was remembering a phrase with scared in it to use for this situation. I tried giving her a bath to calm her down but it didn't work. She is asleep now. It doesn't hep that Christmas vacation started 3 days early, so she suddenly wasn't going to school and didn't know why although of course I tried to explain. Oh, well. I hope 2009 brings me more hope.

School vs. Home

Yesterday was something. Janey fell asleep on the way to school, so I carried her in and stayed with her in the classroom as the other kids and teachers were lining up in the hall. She woke up pretty quickly and I was worried as sometimes she freaks out when she wakes up in a different place than she fell asleep, but when she saw she was at school, she was THRILLED. We put her stuff away and went into the hall to see the other kids. On the way there, the aide that is with her at afterschool saw her and ran over to hug her. The look on Janey's face was that of pure bliss. She jumped up and down and hugged the lady (Donna) over and over and was so happy it was incredible. Of course I was glad but of course I was also so hurt in a way. She truly is happier at school than home. I've thought that was probably the case for a while, from the reports I get and the blank look on their faces when I mention how tough she is at home sometimes, but I am sure now. Then we walked down with the kids and walked back to the room, and she grabbed both her main teachers' hands and danced around with them. Then to throw me a bone she took my hand too.

I don't mean to sound like I am not happy she loves school. But I wish I could make her feel that happy about home. I sometimes feel so jealous of people whose kids love to homeschool. Both boys have always been very horrified when I mention anything like that. They like school, and I guess Janey is like them. They are all extroverts to different extents, which is so strange as I am certainly not.

The Bad McDonalds Trip

Yesterday was really something, but I am hoping perhaps it gave me some insight into Janey. I took her with me to two stores Christmas shopping. Usually she loves to shop, and I have tended to stay home too much with her in the morning before school, so I felt good about taking her out. She asked me at the second store "you want chicken nuggets?" which meant SHE wanted to go to McDonalds, and we have done that before and it's gone quite well. So we went there. I think the first problem was we couldn't sit where we did the 4 or so other times we have gone. Also, there were kids at the next table, nice kids but talkative and Janey kept hearing them. But who knows what really was happening---she kept getting more and more upset. Finally she crawled under the table to me, and just FREAKED OUT---started biting the back of the chair, the table, anything within reach, and then tried her hardest to bit me. I had to hold her coat between me and her mouth, and she bit so hard on the coat her lips was bleeding. I was truly a little scared. I knew I just had to get her out of there, and talked to her as calmly as I could and got her out as quickly as I could. She didn't say a word in the car, but as we got home, she said one of her longest statements "I heard a clicking sound, and the clicking sounded like BOOM! I heard a footprints sound". I really don't know if this was about the McDs, but I think it was---she heard some kind of clicking sound that sounded really loud to her, and maybe like someone was walking over to her. She kept repeating that same phrase many times. I tried of course to ask her more about it, but to no avail.

A long time ago I read a book, I think called "The Sound of a Miracle" about a girl diagnosed with autism that is "cured" by something I think is called auditory training. I thought it was pretty foolish, but now I do wonder how much sounds and extra-sensitive hearing affect Janey. I know William also has very sensitive hearing, and Tony sometimes too. And I know Janey is very bothered by things that sound wrong---songs sung in a silly way, and even things like a burb noise. A few nights ago she went crazy because I was singing "Away in a Manger" to her and said "The stars in the BRIGHT sky" instead of how I usually say it, "The Stars in the Sky". I really don't know what to do about this all, but I might try to do some more research. I know I think the expensive "training" the book talked about is a huge scam. I actually went years ago to a talk about it and was extremely underwhelmed.

Oh, well.