Rarer in Girls...Life with my daughter Janey, who is twenty and severely autistic
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Tough days
Janey was sick over Christmas, mostly Christmas eve, she was getting better after that, and today I think was mostly better physically, but TERRIBLE in behavior. She whined all day and threw many, many tantrums. They are getting more destructive---she does things like trying to break things we are using like computers, trying to smash on the TV, biting on everything she can and sometimes biting holes in things, and when she was really losing it, trying very hard to bite me and succeeding in scratching my face quite badly. It is so hard to deal with. I keep telling myself she is a little 4 year old girl, small for her age even, and I need to keep that in mind, but sometimes I feel almost scared of her. I love her so very much and want her to be happy more than anything on earth, but I don't know how to keep her happy. She said in the middle of one of her fits that she was scared, actually she said "The crocodile scared me". The crocodile was in a pop-up book and did startle her, but that was about a month ago, so I think she just was remembering a phrase with scared in it to use for this situation. I tried giving her a bath to calm her down but it didn't work. She is asleep now. It doesn't hep that Christmas vacation started 3 days early, so she suddenly wasn't going to school and didn't know why although of course I tried to explain. Oh, well. I hope 2009 brings me more hope.
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6 comments:
"I love her so very much and want her to be happy more than anything on earth, but I don't know how to keep her happy"
I know it is natural to want our kids to be happy, and we want to 'make' them happy, but is that truly what we are called to do as parents? Is it our job to *make* our kids happy? Or is it our job to love them, teach them right from wrong, and guide them in the right direction? Many times the job involves not making them happy at all!
I got a lot of comments in Christmas cards this year, about 'well, as long as you're happy, that's all that matters' I couldn't disagree more with this; happiness isn't all that matters.
I got interrupted leaving my last comment! I wanted to say also that you cannot possibly keep Janey happy.. it is an impossible goal.. for any one. You can love her and teach her things, and try to be as consistent as possible. That is what you can do. And the rest is up to God. He loves her even more than you do!
You are right, Fab, I really can't make her happy, and I shouldn't phrase it that way! I think more what I mean is to keep her calm enough so she CAN learn and be guided. When she is screaming or hysterical, I don't think she it taking in much input at all. So it's more I want to keep her content, or receptive---those are better words! I have figured out with the boys that sometimes making them NOT happy is the best parenting, but with Janey, it's more that it just isn't that she isn't happy, it's that she is in her own world of misery.
Thanks for reading my blog, Fab! I feel like it's tough reading, because it's mostly so negative, it's sort of a venting place!
I do think I know what you mean- it's the not knowing of how she will respond, and when.. And feeling like what you do does not produce the desired effect.. Like when you try to do something that you think will please her and she screams instead. I appreciate sooo much your honesty and earnestness in your posts. I don't really see it as negative, but an honest writing out of the real struggles and the questions you have . {[HUGS}}
Hi there - I hope you see this comment. My daughter is really starting to scratch me and I don't know how on earth to deal with it. I try to tell myself that it's not her fault, but it really hurts me both emotionally and physically. How did you deal with this and has it changed now that she is older? My daughter is also 4yrs old, which is how old your daughter was when you posted this. I would love your feedback.
The scratching was something that didn't last---I don't think it happened again after the time I'm writing about here. Janey still once in a while does aggressive things like hitting or very occasionally starting to bite, or banging heads with me hard. I find she mostly does things like that when she is wound up happy, not really when she is mad. The times she gets like that, I try to just steer clear of her, or try something calming. I also save a certain "NO!" for when she does anything aggressive, as angry and loud as I can, enough to startle her. Then I yell "THAT HURTS MAMA!" right very close to her. I don't yell like that at her at any other time, and she really doesn't like that, so it startles her and seems to make her avoid doing the hitting or banging or whatever again. Best of luck to you. I know how hard it is. It's an awful time when our kids get like that---it feels very isolating and scary. I hope it gets better soon.
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