Songs that get caught

Janey often has a problem with songs getting "stuck"---she will start singing a song to herself very happily, but after a while she just can't stop and she gets more and more upset, all the while singing through her tears. It's awful to see and very hard to help. Tonight was the first time she told me she was stuck. She wasn't singing, so I guess it was stuck in her head---she said "I am stuck! Itsy bitsy spider! Help me!" I wish I knew how. I sang other songs out loud which sometimes helps, but basically she just finally fell asleep unhappy. Also earlier tonight was the first time she said "upset". Tony was worked up about something and talking loud, and I told her to stop or Janey would get upset, and she said "I upset".

Overall she had a cheery day, but in the car driving to school I decided to try playing one of her CDs. She used to love that, but lately gets hysterical if I play them. She is fine with news radio or even my stations like country or rock, but her kids CDs drive her out of her mind. I put one on for just a second and it turned a happy day into a horrible crying spree. I wonder if she worries about the songs she likes getting stuck. Music ties in so much to all her issues, and I wish I understood her mind and could help her use it constructively.

Some great talking

Janey was talking up a storm tonight. It's not really conversation, but it's so fun to hear. She was talking about Tommy, the cat, and patting him. She said "I love Tommy. He's not a bad cat. I love Tommy most in the whole wide word. He is purple and green and blue, and he has more ears" It wasn't all at once like that, but along those lines. It made me so happy just to hear her talking a lot. All morning she kept coming up to me and saying "Hi, Mama!" and then this afternoon she said "Good morning, Mama!", not the right time but still so nice. She was extra happy after school again. I am feeling more upbeat than some days.

better morning

This morning seemed better than the last few. I was watching a lot of MSNBC coverage which was replaying 911 events as they happened, and it seems like Janey does the best if I am there in the room, talking with her off and on but not directing her play. She never pays the least bit of attention to adult TV, so I didn't worry about watching the upsetting things. It made me think of 7 years ago, when Freddy was exactly the age Janey is today. He paid more attention, but still not a lot, but could tell me about talking to Mr. Paul at school about "buildings being hit with planes" and he told her what Mr. Paul said "they are far away and you are safe here". It's light years from anything Janey could tell me or say. Freddy has no memory of 9-11 any more.

Janey ironically played a lot with the stickers that I tried to get her to play with yesterday. I left them out (not surprisingly with the state of my house) and she picked them up and had a great time with them on her own. Often it seems like my role with her is just expose her to things, even if they make her crazy at the time, so then they aren't as unfamiliar and she can feel comfortable doing them later on.

School and talking

The start of the school year is going incredibly smoothly for Janey---it's making me knock on wood and hold my breath all the time. She is eager to get into the room and happy when she comes out. Today she was so happy she was almost giddy. I haven't heard much from her teachers yet, and no news is good news I usually feel.

Her talking was interesting today too. At one point she said something along the lines of "I have 20 dollars. Go to McDonalds, chicken nuggets and fries" I guess she has heard us enough times tell the boys they can get McDonalds if they have their own money! Tonight she was patting the cat Schemer and said "I love Schemer dog. Don't die"

The mornings are long sometimes before she goes to school. I get frustrated as almost any activity I try with her gets her crying and upset. I feel guilty if I don't try to do anything with her, but she's happier if I don't. I tried a big sticker project, and reading books, and playing Wonder Pets and lots more, but she either just likes to walk around the house talking to herself or she likes hanging off me crying or laughing. I should go someplace in the car each day, just to kill the time, but I feel like that's not too interactive. I should take her to things like library times, but she runs off and screams and ruins it for every other kid. Should I just not care if she does this, as she has a right to be there too? I can't do that. I don't think she's getting much from things when she is running and crying, and I sure aren't, and why should the other kids not get anything from it either? It is so hard to know what's best to do. I feel guilty day and night about everything.

Crying

Janey cries a very lot. Usually I have little to no idea why she is crying. I always try to figure it out, but sometimes this seems useless---she never tells me, and often it's very unclear what if anything is bothering her. It's the very hardest part of her autism to me. I can take almost anything, but crying I can't fix really upsets me. If I just ignore it, it gets worse and worse and worse, and that's not really my way anyway---I want to help her feel better. I think if she could talk more, or talk about meaningful things more, it would help. She talks a lot now, but it's usually almost nonsense---yesterday on the way to school she said "I don't want any chocolate cheesecake" over and over and over. This morning she repeatedly said "Someone stepped on William's tongue---it's a serious day". Her most useful phrases are things like "I want a juice box" or "I want yoghurt"---all want sort of phrases. When she is upset, sometimes she will say things like "It's okay, my little sweetie" or "What feels wrong?", repeating what I have said in the past. I take that as her wanting me to say those things, but who knows? Some days I simply don't feel up to the task of being her mother. I feel like she needs a mother with more financial resources, a better advocate, a stronger, more creative person. I love her more than anyone else could, but is that enough?

Starting school

Janey started K1 (4 year old kindergarten) on Monday. It seemed to go very well. Her "boyfriend" JJ was right there to hold her hand going into the room. I was thinking she has a weak sense of time, and perhaps the summer seemed like nothing to her, and it just seems like this is another same old day of school (she is in the same room with the same kids mostly, and the same teacher).

It's an integrated classroom, with about 12 regular ed kids and about 4 special ed. Janey was supposed to go full day this year, but they decided 2 other kids needed the spot more. I was upset but I am okay with it now---we don't have to be at school until 12:50pm and that gives me a relaxed morning for the first time in years, and I won't have one again until God knows when. Janey's brothers William and Freddy both walk to school now. I was sort of eager to see if these other 2 kids really looked like they needed the spot, and I think they do from what I saw. I know all the hard core advocates out there are horrified I didn't push my way into getting her the spot. I did get offered a full time place at another school, but I like her where she is and I didn't want to make a change I would have to live with for years. She will be going to after school some this year, and that will extend her day some, so I think it will be okay.

The aide in the room (not for Janey, just a general aide) seems like a sub, as the regular one is out a lot with back problems. She seemed nice, and yesterday told me that Janey stood up in the middle of circle time and yelled out "What's going on here?" which cracked everyone up. Janey of course has told me nothing about school, except last night saying "I will see Ja-chi" (a boy there). I think she lives for the flirting already! She is the littlest and (in my opinion) the prettiest there, and I guess that still works for something.

What scared means

I am trying to teach Janey what scared means, to help her understand how she often seems to feel. Anything new makes her scared---including a new episode of a TV show she likes, a new word inserted into a book she likes and of course any new store or person. I have tried talking to her about her tantrums and upsets after they are over, and telling her she was scared. She said it to me today---after a crying spell, not a few sentence but just the word---"scared". I wonder if she is getting it?

I am trying too to figure out a way to get her unstuck when she gets stuck with a song. She sings to herself all the time, but if one song goes on too long, she gets stuck in it and can't stop, and sings it through her tears with the most horrified look on her face. Today it was the ABC song. I tried singing another song loud at her, which sometimes works but didn't today, and tried distracting her which almost never works, and finally sang 3 loud notes in a row over and over and over, different than her song and repetitive. It upset her of course but did finally get her off the song.

I feel like I am making up parenting techniques as I go along, with no help or credit for already having 2 older children.

Today in the spare minute I wasn't watching her she went into the bathroom and started playing in the toilet. After I locked that door, a few minutes later she climbed into the cats' water dish to play. It's like having a 1 year old with a 4 year old's mobility. Extremely tiring sometimes to my 42 year old body.l