Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Janey cries a very lot. Usually I have little to no idea why she is crying. I always try to figure it out, but sometimes this seems useless---she never tells me, and often it's very unclear what if anything is bothering her. It's the very hardest part of her autism to me. I can take almost anything, but crying I can't fix really upsets me. If I just ignore it, it gets worse and worse and worse, and that's not really my way anyway---I want to help her feel better. I think if she could talk more, or talk about meaningful things more, it would help. She talks a lot now, but it's usually almost nonsense---yesterday on the way to school she said "I don't want any chocolate cheesecake" over and over and over. This morning she repeatedly said "Someone stepped on William's tongue---it's a serious day". Her most useful phrases are things like "I want a juice box" or "I want yoghurt"---all want sort of phrases. When she is upset, sometimes she will say things like "It's okay, my little sweetie" or "What feels wrong?", repeating what I have said in the past. I take that as her wanting me to say those things, but who knows? Some days I simply don't feel up to the task of being her mother. I feel like she needs a mother with more financial resources, a better advocate, a stronger, more creative person. I love her more than anyone else could, but is that enough?