Worn Out

The screaming is still mostly not happening lately, which is wonderful. It's been replaced, though, by a sudden desire to escape. Janey is drawn to any unlocked door. She wants to go up and see her uncle, who lives upstairs, every minute of the day. We have to keep the doors to our apartment, one of which leads to front stairs and one to back stairs, locked at all times, with chains also. Janey is studying the locks and chains, and I think will soon figure them out. We have put hook and eye bolts all around too. It makes getting out of the house a long process for all of us. We are lucky our doors don't open directly to outside. That would terrify me. She also is drawn to the bathroom---she wants to go turn on the bath water or the sink water and play in it, so we are bolting that door too. Even with just the rooms she has left, she finds many ways to keep the day hopping---she will take everything out of the fridge, so we bungie cord that shut, she likes to take silverware out of its drawer, and we need to figure out that one, she turns on and off lights all day, she tries to use the remotes and leaves them all around the house with the TVs and video games in a state of random on or off and with all sorts of reconfigurations. She still sometimes puts random things in her mouth. She woke me this morning by ripping the pages out of a book in my ear. I literally have to watch her every, every, every second. I would be reading this if I had a "regular" kid and thinking---every mother should do that. Well, you don't have to in the same way. You can read a book while they watch TV, you can let them play with toys in one room while you are in the other, you can doze a minute on the couch if you are very tired. I know---I had two more or less "regular" kids that age. It's nothing the same. It's a constant state of alert. I've taken Janey to friends' houses in the last week or so and they have admitted they are exhausted when I leave, and that's with me AND them watching her. I've been lying in bed worrying about school. I picture her opening the door constantly and taking off down the hall. I know that she is watched very, very well at school, but I still worry, as I do any second she's not right next to me. I think part of it all is that she'd rather just do something for herself than ask me---that's usually a lot easier for her. She is better with her hands than the boys were at her age, because they were askers---they asked me to do what they needed done, probably more than most. Janey just goes ahead and tries to cut cheese up, or spread butter on bread, or go for a visit upstairs---asking is too hard. I am so tired. I need a break. But my mental state is still much better than it was during the "screaming time". So somehow I'll get through the summer.