Saturday, July 10, 2010
I'm up early, and was browsing around the internet and reading some blogs that other blogs linked to and such. Sometimes this gets me down. I feel like a lot of bloggers that write about their children with special needs have it all so together. Maybe it's because a lot of them are religious. They are very confident it's all part of God's plan. I don't have that comfort. I wish I did, sometimes. I know it might make things easier to feel like it's part of plan, like there is someone guiding me through this. But at this point in my life, I don't feel that way. I feel like all decisions are mine to make, and if I make them wrong, it's not because there was a reason for that in someone's plan, but just because of poor decision-making or bad luck or just random chance. Anyway, that's more of a side note.
As you can see from the picture, we went to the beach yesterday. It was a great time! I was comparing it to other beach days last summer or before with Janey that were very tough. She has always enjoyed the beach, but in the past showed her enjoyment by running away from us as fast as she could over and over. This time she actually stayed with us and calm enough of the time so that we could enjoy ourselves without watching her intensely every second (just every other second or so) Freddy watched her for a bit and both Tony and I got out in the water and swam, which we both like a lot. Janey dug some holes, and walked around along the edge of the water and generally had fun. At one point she said "I want to jump in the puddles!" which is something she says a lot, but she meant jump in the water, and it was nice to be able to say "You can jump in this big puddle ALL YOU WANT!" She picked up sand and held it and felt it in her hands, and dropped it and picked it back up and all the things she likes to do with dirt but usually can't. The beach is really an amazing place that way.
And of course I'm thinking about and wondering if it's the medication that is helping her be able to enjoy things. And why should it matter? But I feel somehow like it's the easy way out---like if I had done a better job making her happy without it, she wouldn't need it, and all the possible bad side effects on her growing brain. And I curse myself for thinking that---she is most certainly happier the last week or so than in years---not a frantic manic happy, but just able to in general enjoy things---and I think more open to learning, using a little more speech, making longer sentences---so what's the problem? It comes back to that feeling of responsibility, and also my own OCD type feelings that something good has to cause something bad. Like if it's easy, it must be wrong---that you don't get real help from a vial of medication. And of course I don't know if that's all that is working. It could be other things---she is out of school, and maybe school was harder on her than I realized. She is spending more time one on one with me. We are adjusting our lives more to her needs---the things we are doing are based on what she can handle and enjoy---not that we always didn't take that into consideration, but I think now it's the key factor in everything we do. And things certainly aren't perfect---she still has meltdowns quite often when she's tired, or overwhelmed, or who knows why.
So I should probably stop writing and get sleep while I can. And just be grateful for nice days like our day at the beach.