Highs and Lows

Yesterday was a perfect example of the highs and lows of life with Janey. During her non-screaming times, she was quite a joy---engaged, smiling, cuddling, resourceful and happy. She asked for things in a complete way "I want some big yogurt right now" "I want some Ovaltine milk in a baba with strawberry" "I want to watch Bob the Builder" (which she's never watched before that I know of, and which she had no interest in once I found it on instant Netflix). She brought me everything she thought I needed to get her wants met (the yogurt and a spoon, assorted remotes, etc) She said several times "I want to cuddle on Mama's bed". She talked about her love for the legendary rainbow shirt "I love the beautiful rainbow shirt". All nice stuff. And then, we'd let our guard down---and the other Janey would emerge.

The boys wanted to go to Chipotle for lunch. That's not news---they would eat there every meal. Janey was having such a nice day, and she usually like it there a lot. So off we went. She was good in the car, we were all having fun. We pulled into the parking lot and suddenly it hit her we might be having a notion to go to a restaurant. She started screaming. We kept telling her it was Chipotle, her favorite place. She kept screaming. We went in---there was a line. She screamed her signature scream---so loud and intense that every single person in the place was starting. That wasn't my imagination---that was the truth. The man ahead of us in line gave me a look like he wished he could kill us all on the spot, and simply walked out. That's the power of Janey Scream. The boys were very upset. I said I could take her out, but I had the plastic to pay, so they would have to use their own money. They didn't have enough. I decided to last it out until I payed, and take everything to go. The next 5 minutes were hell. She lay on the floor, kicked, took off her Crocs, tried to bite herself---loads of fun. When I was paying, the cashier tried to give her a bag of chips. That happens everywhere we go when she's screaming---people try to give her things. It's a nice impulse, but it never works---she throws the things, or pays no attention. The people almost always react the same way---they shrug their shoulders and say "I tried..." For some reason that bugs me. It shouldn't, but it does. So we finally got out of there, got to the car, she screamed most of the way home, but calmed down in times and we had a good afternoon. But because I'm a glutton for punishement....I wanted to go to the Savers (thrift shop) last night. Tony decided to come along, and that meant Janey too (William can babysit, but we are avoiding that lately as she's so tough). Usually the Savers works out---but guess what? Not this time. She screamed the minute she got in there. Tony tried walking around with her, keeping her busy, but there was no way I could shop hearing here, and thinking about how all the parents there were thinking "Why in the world do they bring that girl in here?" and I'm saying to them in my inner dialogue "Okay---you want me to never leave the house? You want her behind closed doors at all times so you don't have to hear her?" and getting myself all worked up. Tony took her for a walk outside, but I couldn't shop much more---I checked out and left. This time she screamed all the way home, at home, for about an hour. At one point, she actually said "I want my crying medicine" which is what we have been calling the Risperidal. I think she hates that out of control feeling. Once she calmed down some, she said "I am angry!" And she is, I am sure, and sad, and lots of other feelings she can't explain.

Today Tony is going with William to the orientation for a summer transportation program William is in. So another day to try to get through. I think today I'm staying home.