Not being positive

Not a good past few days, awful really. Janey and Freddy have both been sick. Janey seems better, but is incredibly fussy all day long. Yesterday she pretty much cried all day. I was at MGH for the autism study I enrolled in, doing testing, and she was with Tony. He didn't take her to school as she was just screaming and crying at that point in the day. She fell asleep for him and slept all afternoon. Never happens to me. I am more worried about Freddy. He missed the last 3 days last week, went back yesterday but it wore him out to the extent he can barely move. He is so pale it's very scary. He will probably stay home today and I will take him back to the doctors. There are days like yesterday I feel like I can barely make it another minute. This winter has been so hard. Janey is so tough so much of the time, and I feel like I can't be with the boys like I should, and Tony's hours are so long and he's so tired or pre-occupied when he is home. The house is turning into a pit of mess, we are financially practically going under and I have just not been happy for a long time. I try hard to stay positive but I am not positive and I can't see when I will get positive.

Crying at school more

Janey has had day after day of hysterical crying at school. Hopefully today she didn't, I didn't get a report. I went in to her room with her today, which they don't usually encourage but were nice about me doing. She seemed fine while I was there---I just wanted to see if there was some object or noise in the room that might be upsetting her. I was there for the circle. She was very tuned out except when they sang songs she knew. Then I went to talk to the nurse, who had called me a few times concerned about Janey. I re-assured her that Janey wasn't sick, just fussy, and that she was eating and sleeping fairly okay. Just all so discouraging. It was nice to be in the school a little and see all the people I like and know, but who knows what is going on. I was feeling better for a while but now again feel very low and depressed. The boys are hyper, the house is too small, we have no money, I am late on bills, Janey cries all the time---etc. I try so damn hard to stay positive all the time but it's very hard to do at times.

Crying at school

Janey had a pretty good morning, but got fussy at school time, however, not severely so. She was cheery heading off to school, and I decided once not to just go home and collapse but to check out a new nearby yarn store. I hung out there about an hour enjoying the yarn and people talking about knitting. When I got home about 2:15, there were all kinds of messages. The school had tried to call my cell phone and home phone, and then called Tony---Janey was hysterical at school, having a fit, and so they thought she was sick and wanted us to come get her. Tony had to leave work and was on his way to pick her up. When he got there, she was calm and fine, and they all said they were sorry.

I think she probably had the kind of fit there she often, often has at home, but not at school. It can be set off by most anything, but most often if you try to push her a little to do something she doesn't want to do. I had met the OT today, Miss Heather, and she was going to be working with Janey. We talked a little about how hard it is to teach her. I need to ask more questions about the incident, but my guess is that Miss Heather tried to get her to try a little harder with some task, and Janey freaked out.

I am feeling depressed over this, mostly because I simply can't survive if I can't count on a break while Janey is in school. My cell phone didn't ring somehow, and Tony can't be leaving work all the time. I feel like crying over this. I am sure it's not going to be the last time she loses it like that completely at school. I am sure they really did think she was sick, and the nurse even said she had a low grade fever---I bet she did, she works herself up so much. She was fine at home, perfectly happy. I feel funny taking her to school tomorrow as they think she was sick somehow, but I am going to, I think. Maybe now that they have seen her like that, they will know they can handle it.

Blocks

We've had blocks around since Janey was born, but I think today was the first day she ever noticed them. She has been building structures on the windowsill all day long, including houses with roofs and what she calls stations, and "big buildings". Just now she came over to me and said excitedly "You made a big building, Janey!" and was obviously eager for me to look at it. I got a picture of her pointing it out. It's wonderful to see her engaged like that. I have to use every ounce of self-restraint not to build with her, as I know that will be the end of it---it would set her off crying. I think I will try to get the boys to build with her tonight, as that seems to be more acceptable to her.

Random thought

Yesterday was a snow day, so I didn't get to see if they really did start ABA right away. Janey doesn't care for snow days or days off. I think she has a little bit of an idea what days are supposed to be school days, and she wants to go to school on them. It's similar to how the teachers say she knows what days she sees therapists at school.

Random things---we had to figure out a system to tie the refridgerator shut, as Janey opens it constantly and rummages for food that she eats a little of and then throws around.

Janey's new phrase to repeat all the time "Wait for the milk!" It's a quote of Tony when she was throwing a complete fit when she wanted chocolate milk and it was taking him longer to get it than she liked. It's funny how she picks up on emotion laded phrases and repeats them. She says the milk one now when she is getting upset and annoyed.

Janey is ending every sentence now pretty much with "Janey" ie "I need dinosaur cookies, Janey", "Teletubbies is coming up next, Janey". (Teletubbies being one of the many things she talks about but has no interest in, the biggest of which remains Sonic, who comes into nearly every conversation)

Janey's singing has picked up lately to a huge extent again. She is learning more songs all the time. It's always startling to hear her sing Black Sabbath ones she learns from William..."All that I can ask from you is a love that never ends..." sung just in tune. She knows the theme song to any TV show she's ever seen. It's not something I can show off as she doesn't do requests---the songs just come to her when they do. Certain ones do mean certain things---when she is very upset, she sings "When you walk through the storm" as I sing that to calm her sometimes. I think "When you're happy and you know it" means she's happy.

Janey is waking up, so I will stop randomizing.