A few minutes later

I've given in to TV. I am desperate for a break. Janey is watching Sesame Street. I justify this by the fact she did say PBS Kids---she asked for TV! Sure. I am guilty all the time---about everything.

Everything is happening fast. I got a speeded up apointment last Sat. with a team of a psychiatrist, developmental pediatrician and speech pathologist. They all agreed---Janey is autistic. They think there is more, though. She might be having seizures. She might have a brain abnormality---she had an MRI at 18 months to try to figure out her late walking---she finally walked at 2. Her heart sounds like it's in the wrong place in her chest. We see her pediatrician today. I haven't seen him for over a year. This is partly because Janey is very healthy in terms of the usual things---no colds, fevers, throwing up---she is extra healthy. Also, I was having a year of denial. After Janey started walking, and was talking more and more, I decided she was fine. And she pretty much was---until a few months ago, when her talking took a nosedive and she started acting more and more oddly. She started preschool in September, not as any kind of special ed student but as a regular ed preschool kid at the inclusion school her brothers went to. She is in the same classroom her younger brother was in 7 years before. It didn't take long for the teachers and therapists in that classroom to realize they had a special ed kid hiding in a regular ed label there. I had hoped somehow they would never guess. Mostly because I hadn't let myself guess yet.

People all care. People have been wonderful the past few days. It helps a lot. However, I still feel very alone. They aren't responsible for Janey---I am. I am the one sitting here writing while she runs around the house saying "A pie, a my, a pie, a my, see, a lee, see, a lee" She loves rhyming. But it's not fun rhyming---it's instead of speech, not a great phonics tool to help speech.

I am tired of autism already, and it's only been 3 days.