Thanksgiving 2015

Last year, Janey spent Thanksgiving at Bradley Hospital, hospitalized for her increasingly agitated and aggressive behavior.  This year, she was home.  That alone was something to feel very thankful for.

There's a lot else to feel thankful for, of course.  There's my husband and sons, three amazing, brilliant, kind and interesting people.  There is Janey herself, my beautiful, fascinating daughter.  There's my extended family.  There's my friends, including all of you.  There's the fact that we have enough to eat, and a roof over our heads, and don't go to bed at night in fear.  That puts us far up on the things to be thankful for scale compared to so many in the world.  There's the many other things that make life worthwhile, for me anyway---books, cats, Scrabble, music, coffee---all of life's little pleasures that really aren't that little in terms of the pleasure they bring.  And there's just the fact we are all here, seeing another Thanksgiving Day.

It wasn't an easy day, really.  The thing about autism is that it never, ever takes a holiday or vacation.  It is with Janey always.  I wish so much she could have a day off from it now and then (and that we could, too)  The 2015 version of Janey has a hair-trigger.  She gets instantly, overwhelmingly upset over things she doesn't like, and there's a long list of things she doesn't like.  The anger, though, doesn't last a long time.  Within five or so minutes, she is usually not screaming.  But the screams are a daily, or pretty much really an hourly, occurrence.  They make it very hard to relax, ever.  We had our big meal upstairs with my brother-in-law.  The food was good, the conversation was good, but Janey was unhappy.  She screamed and flung clothes around and was generally extremely unhappy.  We were determined to eat anyway, together, something that I must admit doesn't get done a lot with our family.  But as soon as we finished, before dessert, I took her downstairs.  There is only so much that we can make her endure, and, honestly, endure ourselves.

Autism is our reality.  It's a huge, huge, huge part of our lives.  And I am not thankful for that.  As I think I've said before, I am hugely thankful for PEOPLE with autism, such as Janey.  But I am not thankful for Janey's autism.  I very much understand it when other people ARE thankful for their autism, or their children's autism.  But Janey's particular breed of autism takes away far, far, far more from her life than it gives her.  She is so unhappy so often.  She is hurting, and not just mentally---she bites her arm constantly, and not lightly.  She is unable to participate in so much of life.  It would be cruel for me to say I'm thankful for what autism has brought into our lives---the devoted teachers, the wonderful friends, the fascinating glimpses into Janey's unusual mind.  I AM thankful for all those things, but it's like saying "It's okay that Janey has to suffer so much, because it has brought us some very good things"  

So I will say to all of you reading this---you are a remarkable bunch of people.  I'm glad I know you.  But I wish we could have met under different circumstances.  

Happy Thanksgiving.

HOME!

Yes, indeed, after 18 days at Mass General Hospital for Children, Janey is finally home.  It's wonderful to have her here.  I'm not going to write much tonight, but I know in the coming days, weeks, months and probably years, I'll be reflecting on this whole experience.  For now, I mostly just want to write a few thank yous.

Janey, right before heading home!

First, to my family and friends for being so supportive during this whole ordeal.  It was wonderful to have everyone at the other end of a phone line or an internet connection.  I loved the cards and even a few packages sent to me by people I don't know in person but know through this blog and feel very close to!  My local friends were great, and I most certainly could not have gotten through the combination of Freddy's graduation week and the hospital stay without them.  William and Freddy held down the fort at home and visited Janey often, and were their usual terrific selves.

The main entrance to Mass General

Next, to all of the staff of Mass General that worked with Janey.  It so very much shows that the whole hospital has been trained in autism, but beyond that, that the hospital seems to have a special air about it.  We've spent time in other hospital, but there was something about this one---a feeling of caring on a personal level.  Janey's surgeon, Dr. Cassandra Kelleher, took so much time to talk with us and to explain everything, and to show she saw Janey not just as a case but as a child, one she cared about.  The nurses---wow!  So many thanks to Karen, Daisy, Katie, Jenny, Vicky...and all the rest whose names escape me just now but who I will always be grateful to.  I never once, not for a minute, felt like Janey's autism was something they found difficult to deal with.  They listened to what we said would work best with Janey and did everything they could to make every procedure and test as easy on her as possible.  Everyone else at the hospital---the people who brought the meals, the staff in the playroom, the OT who wrote an autism plan for Janey, the CT scan people---everyone was respectful and kind to Janey and to us.

Janey is nervous in the elevator, but Daddy is right there as always

My biggest thank you right now is to Tony, my husband.  I think sometimes I don't mention often enough here what an amazing father and husband he is.  This was one of the toughest times we've ever gone through in our lives, and he was so wonderful.  He put his stressful job totally aside and took the last two weeks to just be with Janey, at her side.  He let me keep my sanity, and his presence helped Janey stay calm.  She loves Daddy like no-one else on Earth.  It's not an easy gig, being Janey's father, but he excels at it.

So---now on to recovery at home.  With everyone's help, I think we will make it.

Thanksgiving 2014

It's hard to remember too many specifics from Thanksgivings of my past.  Thanksgiving isn't usually a day that stands out in memory---the best Thanksgiving seems like the ones before it, in a good way. However, I don't think I'll ever forget Thanksgiving 2014---waking up without Janey here, driving to visit her, coming home without her.  I also won't forget it because of how grateful and thankful I feel.

It was strange to wake up this morning to a house without Janey, as it's been strange for the last week. Everything seems oddly quiet and calm, and I have been waking up after sleeping all night long, something that has rarely happened in the last 10 years.  I miss Janey horribly in the morning, though.  It feels wrong to have her gone.  I have my morning coffee, but somehow it feels unearned.  I've cut back to one cup most days, which is a huge cutback.

Freddy went to see his last Thanksgiving Day football game as a Boston Latin student, and we had a non-eventful morning---no kids TV, no Janey asking for bacon, no monitoring her movements and anticipating her moods.  I am trying hard to accept the respite and to let myself enjoy it, knowing she is safe and cared for, and for brief periods of time, I am succeeding.  But it's been so long that our life has had her as a focus, everything feels a little empty.

We had a Thanksgiving meal for 4 around 1.  We are not big eaters of traditional Thanksgiving Day fare---we had a roasted chicken, but with purchased turkey gravy, and some strawberry shortcake.  We said what we were all thankful for, but didn't have Janey to coax to say something.

After we ate, we drove to Providence to see Janey.  Every time we get to the hospital, I feel a knot in my stomach.  It's not because it's not a nice place, because it is.  I think it's just the feeling of going to see my child at a psychiatric hospital.  It feels like I have somehow stepped outside of the world I know, and entered a different world.

Janey was very happy to see us, all four of us.  She hasn't seen William for a long time, since he was at college.  She gave us a huge smile, and we went to her room.  We had brought her lots of food for her special meal, and she ate a huge amount of Daddy's pesto, some purple onions and lots of chocolate chip cookies.  We sang to her, and played catch with her Care Bear.  She talked very little today, but seemed very pleased we were there, at first.  Eventually she got tired of being in the room and eager for more action, and when we asked her if she wanted us to say goodbye, she repeated emphatically "GOODBYE!"

We took her out to the staff people, who said they would take her to join her group in the occupational therapy room.  Janey had gotten a bit agitated by then.  She kept grabbing our hands and saying "Take a walk!"  We explained we couldn't, but her friends there would take her for a walk.  She started yelling "Goodbye!  Goodbye" but trying to go with us.  The staff distracted her, and we said a final goodbye and left.  My heart was a bit torn up.

And now---Thanksgiving night.  I am going to try to rest and not worry.

It has been a strange Thanksgiving, but it has also been a very good one, in that I know more than ever how much I have to be thankful for.  I have my family---my husband, who has been incredible through all of this, my wonderful boys and my Janey---my girl who has my heart, and both warms it and breaks it so easily.  And I have my friends---and I count all of you reading this as my friends.  You have been INCREDIBLE.  Your support, here and on my Facebook page, is what has kept me going many a long day.  You have made me feel like sharing my story has helped YOU, when it is YOU who has helped me.  My dear friend Jamie has reached out to get help for me with bills and expenses---something I never, ever expected but I am very, very grateful for.  I have talked to many of you, in person, by phone or by email or Facebook message, and you have supported me so hugely.  So many people I've never met in person have shown their caring for my family and me.  I know more than ever that there are so, so many good and caring people in this world, and I am very thankful for that.

I wonder what Thanksgiving 2015 will look like.  I hope Janey is happier, calmer and most of all we are all together, that Thanksgiving and every Thanksgiving from here on for the rest of my life.

Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving Day in the US, and I am indeed feeling thankful.  Here's some of the reasons why---

1.  I live in the right time in history.  In the past, Janey would not be able to go to school.  We would have been blamed for her autism, or we would have been told to put her away and forget her.  Or worse.  Nothing is perfect, but I think of all the historical eras I could be living in, I've hit the jackpot with today's world.

2.  I have a wonderful husband.  Tony, I couldn't do it without you.  Literally.  I think I'd be dead by now.  You are there when Janey wakes 10 times a night, when she screams for hours, when she cries for days.  You are there for the good times, too.  You make her bacon whether she eats it or not, just because she likes the process.  You sing with her, recite Three Stooges with her, delight in her good moods.  You are amazing.

3.  By twists of luck too improbable to seem like sheer chance, Janey is attending exactly the school I would have dreampt up for her, had I been dreaming up a school in my head.  The Henderson Inclusion School is something I am extremely, overwhelmingly thankful for.

4.  Janey has two amazing brothers, terrific young men who love their sister, who help me with her, who have fun with her and just treat her like a sister should be treated, with teasing and laughing and fun.

5.  I am so thankful for music, and for Janey's love of it.  The whole day is often filled with song, surprise tracks of pieces she's heard long ago and old favorites mixed together to make a medley I love to hear.

6.  Modern medicine.  I have all the questions and concerns and worries about it that most of you probably share, but when it comes down to it, I wouldn't be here to have those concerns without it.  I'd have died long ago from preeclampsia when pregnant with William.  Tony wouldn't be here without insulin.  Freddy would be here without the magnesium sulfate and skilled care that got him through a potentially deadly asthma attack as he turned eleven.  And Janey, without the medications I love to hate and hate to love, would not be able to be making the strides she is, I do believe.

7.  All of you, and the internet that allows us to connect.  Even twenty years ago, I would be alone in this all, maybe having met one or two other families ever with autistic girls.  Today, I can reach out and talk to many, many people about this tough journey, people that understand and have been there.  That's pretty darn amazing.

8.  And of course, I am thankful for Janey herself.  Janey, you are one terrific girl.  You are beautiful, fascinating, mysterious and so often, a joy.  You have brought me many challenges, but you yourself, you amazing girl, you make it all worth while.  I love you, Janey.

Early on Thanksgiving Morn

I had intended to write a post about all I am thankful for today.  That's the traditional Thanksgiving thing to write, and I am certainly thankful for much---wonderful people in my life, great schools, an amazing family, music, books...many things.  But somehow that post was not getting written today.  Last night was tough, not just with Janey but with all three kids---lots of emotions, parent vs. child expectations for family togetherness, the holiday stress, medical issues---it was a hard night.  Not that I'm not still thankful as all get-out, but I thought I'd write a more specific post---about Janey, about being thankful for her.  And I am---with all the challenges she brings, I am hugely thankful for her.

Where to begin?  Maybe when I found myself a bit surprisingly pregnant in my late 30s.  Not that we don't have an idea how people get pregnant.  Not that we didn't realize you don't have to be actively "trying" to get pregnant, just a little not careful.  I won't get TMI (for you older folks, that's Too Much Information) on you here, but finding out on the day after Christmas 2003 that we were expecting child #3 was a big surprise, and a happy one.

And then of course, leaving out all the extremely tough parts of the pregnancy, there was that amazing moment when I got the call about the amnio, the news that we were going to "get our girl", as lots of people put it.  That was one of the peak moments of my life.  I loved having two boys first, but we were ready for a girl.

Leaving out again the hard parts of her birth, the moment I first laid eyes on my Jane was another flashbulb memory, an wonderful one.  She was unexpectably very blond, very light and so, so beautiful!

As Janey grew from beautiful baby to adorable toddler to amazing little preschooler, we had three years without autism.  There might have been signs, but they were subtle enough that early intervention (who saw her because she didn't walk until she was 2), her pediatrician and many other eyes didn't catch it, even though we knew she was at high risk.  I have buried a lot of memories of these early years, and I wish I hadn't.  She was a quirky but fascinating little tiny girl, one who delighted us greatly.

And then the regression.  And the hard years started, the years that continue on.  But still---so much to be thankful for.  Through all Janey has been through, she has retained some amazing traits.  She is physically very graceful---the athlete Tony didn't really get with his boys.  She laughs like no-one else.  She surprises people constantly with her affection, which cannot be bought or bargained for, but is given like an award to those who have earned it.  She adds to our family in so many ways.

I am grateful in a special way for Janey's love of music.  We listen together to songs every day in the car, on the computer, everywhere music lives.  She knows what she likes, and when she loves a song, and we look at each other in amazement at the glory of her favorites, it's the purest, most heart-felt connection I've ever felt with anyone.  It bypasses the autism in her and goes right to the part of her brain that seems to have been never touched by the autism storm.  We connect as equals, or as her my superior, in our love of the music that touches us.

I am thankful I have been given Janey.  She was not the result of a trip to Paris rerouted to Holland.  She is a destination of her own.  For all the challenges, the tough days, the tears, and I will never pretend that there aren't many, I am still thankful beyond my ability to write for Janey, the real Janey, the endlessly frustrating, endlessly challenging and endlessly amazing daughter of mine.