Car Trouble

The half hour car drive to and from Janey's school has usually been a good time for us.  We listen to music,  I talk, Janey sometimes talks, we just relax.  However, the last few days have been awful.

It started after school on Monday.  Janey wanted her shoes off, and took them off, which was fine.  But then she said "I want to snuggle on Mama's bed", one of her most common requests, but one she doesn't usually make in the car, in the middle of traffic.  I said "We will when we get home.  We can't snuggle in the car"  From what I can figure, Janey took that to mean we should get out of the car that second, so we could have our snuggle.  This was at the worst point in my drive, where I am in the middle of 4 lanes, two going the other way and one to the right of me going my way, about to turn into a very complicated intersection of 5 major roads, at which I have to get to the left and then across 4 lanes to get to the far right.  It's taken years to get to the point where I'm not panicked every day about it.  So at this point, Janey wanted her shoes back on.  They are shoes which take two hands to get on.  I was stopped at the light, but I still couldn't do it.  Janey was getting hugely upset, screaming and tossing the shoes.  I made a dumb move and tossed the shoes onto the floor of the passenger's front side, where she couldn't get them.  So she did the obvious counter-move, and took off her seatbelt to try to get them.  I screamed at her to put it back on, knowing she couldn't do that.  I had no way on earth of pulling over where I was, or for a bit.  This is city driving.  Luckily, she listened when I said to sit back in her seat---I had visions of her trying to take control of the wheel.  I pulled over as soon as I could, put her shoes on and her seatbelt on, and thankfully, made it home alive.

Fine.  But yesterday, both going to school and coming home, Janey once again took off her seatbelt.  Yesterday morning, it was because I'd committed the crime of not replaying the song she liked for the 5th time, so she decided to come up front and take care of that herself.  Again, me screaming at her to sit back, waiting until I got to a safe place to pull over, putting back on the seatbelt, blah, blah, blah.  I spent the rest of the ride talking to her dramatically about not taking off our seat belts, with lots of talk of "TERRIBLE car accidents" and "Janey getting EXTRA hurt", which was probably not useful for her but I was in a state.  Coming home, I had her go over with me over and over what we NEVER do in the car, and she faithfully repeated we NEVER take off our seatbelts, and that is TOO DANGEROUS, and all.  And about 5 minutes into the drive, she took it off.  She had the courtesy to be startled and try to put it back on when I yelled, but the damage was done.  Again, look for a safe pulling over spot (of which there are extremely few on our drive), pull over, put it back on, lecture, etc.

Lots of issues come up here.  I have no idea how to deal with this.  Janey doesn't truly care if I yell, she doesn't get punishments, she doesn't care about rewards.  She has next to no impulse control.  She wants what she wants, when she wants it.  And she is getting bigger.  I can see a day coming, hopefully not for a few more years, when it will be too dangerous for me to drive her alone, or anyone to drive her alone, and that will put even more limits on our life.  I am probably projecting too much, but it is scary.  I have no idea how I will deal with a Janey as big as I am.  And in the near term, I have to figure out a way to keep the seat belt on.  I will see if there are locks, although I admit it scares and bothers me a little to think of her locked in a restraint in the car.  Is that safe?  I will continue my ineffective lecturing and taking away of treats and videos, both of which I did the last few nights although I am quite certain Janey made no real connection to the car, although she could recite when I asked what she had done that was naughty.  She can recite anything.   That doesn't mean she gets it, or it will come into any play when she is again faced with the situation.  I'm dreading today's drives.

The less glamorous side of autism

You out there in non-autism land might be thinking "Wow, this autism gig sounds like something cool!  A quirky interesting kid, and one with the hippest condition out there---one all the celebrities are into right now!"  Well, of course there's a lot of glitter and excitement in our world, sure, but it's not all red carpet parties and fascinating breakthroughs.  No, there are times that autism is, well, just a bit less than glamorous.

Today was one of those times.  There was no school here, due to Evacuation Day.  What, you've never heard of Evacuation Day?  Why, it's every single March 17th!  Isn't that ANOTHER holiday, you ask, the big Irish one?  Well, yes, but it's just PURE coincidence that Boston and surrounding towns celebrate an obscure Revolutionary War era holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and give kids and city employees a day off for it!  Today, actually, it became a Monday holiday, as Evacuation Day was yesterday.  And no, I didn't get my cards out in time, so you've have longer to wait if you've been waiting for my family Evacuation Day letter.

Janey woke up grumpy and crying.  I managed to get her happier with a long bath and a watching of Taratabong, a great Italian-made preschool music show that is on Netflix.  Later, I took Freddy and her to get a book Freddy needed, and we went to Five Guys for lunch, a place that has often freaked Janey out, but we did the trick today of getting there just as it opened for lunch, so it was empty.  Janey was perfect there---she did feel she must dance to the music in the background, which she always notices, but she didn't bother anyone as no-one was there, and we ate well.  Then home, and Freddy watched Janey for an hour so I could have a little rest.  So far, not a bad day.

Then, when my break was over and Freddy had gone to play video games on another floor, I was sitting on one couch reading and Janey was sitting on another watching her new favorite video, Mickey's Magical Christmas (she doesn't mind out of season videos at all).  All was quiet.  I must have been caught up in the book for a minute or two, but then looked up at Janey.  My first thought was "How the heck did she get into chocolate frosting?"  My next thought was "We don't have any chocolate frosting around"  My third thought is unprintable.

Janey was covered---her hands, her face, her hair---covered.  Mind you, this was while I was IN THE ROOM with her.  She had silently reached into her pull-up and pulled out the contents.  I screamed "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"  I know I shouldn't yell, but I defy anyone on earth to not scream in that situation.  Then I took hold of both her elbows, to prevent her from touching anything, and let her to the bathroom.  It is crucial to note here I threw on my shoes, which were right there near her.  I gave her a bath---actually, 3 baths, because the first one got pretty disgusting in a minute.  I had to take her out, empty it, clean it, disinfect it, do a second bath, and then repeat steps.  When done, I threw back on my shoes and walked her out to get dressed.  It was then I noticed my feet, and indeed my shoes, and the floor, were covered with, well, you know what.  Evidently her accident had somehow gotten into my shoes, and I walked the shoes all over.  The floor near the couch was still a disaster area, but that had to wait while we went back to the bathroom and I locked the door to keep Janey in and took a shower, and then cleaned my shoes, and then washed everything again, and then went to the living room to clean that up, and then scrubbed my hands again, and then sat down and cried.

Last summer, I thought Janey was almost toilet trained.  Yesterday, she used the potty very nicely several times.  However, obviously, she is not totally trained.  Not even close, really.  Thank goodness, she doesn't seem to have ever done this type of mess at school.  She holds that for home.  Which in itself shows she does have some control.  Once I was done crying, I started the attempt to make her understand.  She repeats the lines very well---"We NEVER touch our stinkies!  That's too silly!  That's naughty!  That makes Mama sad!  I'm sorry!"  Yeah. I don't know why I bother with the lectures.  I guess they make me feel better.  She is great at repeating things.  That doesn't mean she gets or means a word she is saying.

Things are getting better with Janey.  Tony and I both think so.  Very, very slowly, overall, things are getting better.  But it's still very, very tough with her.  I have to believe some day she will be trained completely.  I have to believe that, because I don't think I could much stand not to think it.

What Does Janey Actually Say?

It's very, very hard to explain Janey's talking to anyone who hasn't heard her, and even people who have heard her, but only occasionally or in certain settings, don't really get a complete view of how she talks.  I tried today to write down everything she said.  I missed a lot, but I captured a bit.  Her speech is divided into I'd say 4 categories.  One is actually talking, to ask for something or give or get information (mostly the asking).  One is direct echolalia, something repeated right after she hears it, usually exactly, but sometimes a little altered.  One is delayed echolalia, a phrase or saying from a video or something she's heard someone say a lot.  And the fourth isn't really talking, but spontaneous singing.  The fourth could be considered part of the delayed echolalia, but it seems different to me.  Here's some examples---

First, the actual talking

I want you to get me soda
I want tuna
I want mayonnaise
Oatmeal.
I want pizza.


That's it, for a whole day.  I'm sure there must have been a little more, but not much.  You can see it's all food requests.  There weren't reversed pronouns today, and it was mostly full sentences, but not exactly a huge amount of conversation.

Next, the direct echolalia

Do you remember that now?
Oh, Janey, chimpanzee!
Go Patriots!  (the Patriots play a big game today!)
But you don't open the oven.  That's too naughty.


Mostly just repeated, but the oven one had the "that's too naughty" added on by her.

Now, the big one---delayed echolalia

A storybook?  And you call that a present?  (from Beauty and the Beast Enchanted Christmas)
Well, I'm not going anywhere.  I'm exhausted.  It's best that I say here, in case they come back (Kipper)
Who is eating my cake?  It's Arnold!  (Kipper again)
Don't hit!  Don't hit her!  That's very naughty! (I'm not sure when I said that, but I am pretty sure I did)
Do I look weird?  Not weird at all.  But you look kind of different, in a cool way (Yo Gabba Gabba)
Do you happen to know whose bowl you're eating?  MINE!  (from a sing-a-long video, spoken part)

So mostly videos, with the no hitting thrown in.  That could be a video too, I'm thinking, but I don't recognize it.

Then the singing

"Stand by Me"
"Waltzing Matilda"
"There's a Hole in the Bucket"
"You're a Grand Old Flag"
"Eensy Weensy Spider"

The singing is usually the whole first verse of a song, sometimes more, right in tune and nice and loud.

So....some days Janey talks a lot, but she never says a lot that's actually communication.  Once in a while, the delayed echolalia could be cut and paste type talking, saying something she wants to say.  That might have been the case with the "I'm exhausted" today, or the hitting being naughty, but usually, it seems more like random playbacks of phrases stored in her head.

There's a lot that Janey's speech almost never has.  She almost never answers questions, at least without a ton of prompting, and then they are only fact type questions like "What's your name?" or "What shape is that?"  She almost never just talks about things, like commenting on the cats, or snow, or what she is doing.  She never has conversational volleys, where we talk back and forth.  If you took away the singing and different types of echolalia, her talking would basically be her asking for food, videos and once in a while, things like a bath or crayons.

I've read lots of times that it's promising when autistic kids have echolalia, that it's a good sign that they will speech more in the future.  But Janey is eight, and I don't think she's improving.  If I read back on old blog entries here, I think it could be argued she's talking real language less overall.  It's frustrating.  I wish there were more literature out there about echolalia.  Why do some kids with autism have it and some not?  Does it have a meaning?  How should I respond to it?  I'd love a book about echolalia, or at least a lengthy article!  More than anything, I'd like a book specifically about Janey.  I've said that before.  The handbook to her, her speaking and rest of her, doesn't exist.  Or else I'm writing it, and I don't feel up to it, some days.

What to do, what to do...

I mean the title in two ways. First, summer school will be over Friday. I need to keep Janey busy and out of trouble for about a month until school starts. Literally, I need to figure out what to do with her, how to keep her happy and give her a good summer while also staying sane and keeping her safe. The options are fairly limited, and part of that is the other "what to do"---how Janey has been stepping up her game in terms of being naughty. I had a good talk with her great summer school teacher and great ABA specialist this morning. I told them about my tough night with Janey (more on that later) and they told me about some of her antics at school. The big one is the playground there. They sometimes go to a bigger playground down the street, but sometimes to the smaller school one. Janey likes the bigger one, and when they go to the smaller one, she is constantly on alert for ways to try to sneak out and go to the bigger one. The other day, she was watching the gate, and waited until it was opened by a teacher, looked around and saw that the figures of authority were across the playground, and made a run for it. She didn't make it, as they, like us, are always, always on alert for Janey, but they noticed how she is getting better at planning and more determined to get her way.

At home, it's a battle without end to keep her from destroying the house. The worst time for me is the time between when we get home from school and when Tony gets home, especially days the boys aren't here. That's about 2 hours, from 3-5. Last night, it felt like 200 hours or 2000. Janey had several goals. She wanted to get the Febreeze down from the top of the fridge and spray it around, she wanted to have some pepperoni, she wanted to run water in the bathroom sink until it overflowed, she wanted to throw crackers on the ground. Literally every time I was more than a few feet from her, she did something toward her goals---pushed a chair over to try to climb and get the Febreeze, worked on figuring out how to open our new fridge belt to look for pepperoni (which we were out of), run to the bathroom and turn on the water full blast, ask me for crackers, promise to eat them nicely, then toss them everywhere, and when told to pick them up, pretend to pick them up while actually stomping on all of them. I was at my wit's end.

And I truly don't know what to do to stop all this. I go down my list of ideas. Time out is useless, although I still try it. Yelling does less than no good. I try to "identify the antecedent" which is the behavioral approach, and it's pretty easy to identify---she wants what she wants. It's often a sensory thing, and I try hard to give her alternatives. The house is full of sensory toys, at one point yesterday I gave her a bath to let her play with water, she is always welcome to play outside in the wading pool, we have spray bottles with water I let her use in the kitchen or bathroom---but she doesn't accept substitutes. She doesn't care if I don't want her doing what she is doing. That makes little to no difference to her.

And taking her places, like playgrounds or splash parks, is terrifying. She does not stay with me. She runs, and I am increasingly unable to run as fast as she can. I have asthma, and I am 46 and not in Olympic shape. She is almost 8 and very, very strong and athletic. I can't pick her up any more.

I feel like I'm writing this post too often. But it's all that's on my mind lately. I do hope this stage passes. Meanwhile, I have a month to fill up. Somehow.

Terrible Twos? Terrible Eights?

It's a little hard to describe how Janey has been lately. If I had to pick one word, it would probably be "trying". She has been very trying. But if I had a few words, I'd try to capture the good parts too---funny, alert, connected. And a few more not positive ones---naughty, defiant, loud, angry.

It feels a lot like what we have been told the terrible twos are. Neither William nor Freddy were particularly terrible at 2. William was tougher around 4, Freddy as a baby (and some could say, in some parts of his teen years, but that's hitting a little close to home, sorry, Fred!) But she is acting like I've heard the terrible 2s described. Everything is a big deal. Lots of NO NO NO, lots of loud demands, lots of just making herself heard. It's great, in a few ways, but as many things with Janey, the tough parts are magnified. Part of this is just she's a lot bigger than a 2 year old. I can't lift her any more. She is rapidly gaining on me in strength, and getting taller all the time. You can put things out of a 2 year old's reach, but not an almost 8 year old.

A few scenes---Janey wanting bacon. She asks once a little nicely, but her patience is gone after that. She gets right in Tony's face and screams "I WANT BACON NOW!" shaking her finger. Needless to say she didn't get any right then, but we almost had to laugh, that first time. It's not quite as funny now that she is using that tone for almost anything she wants. Later--Janey is wet. She is doing better with the potty, but far from perfect, but finally, it bothers her to be wet. We are in the drug store, and she wants to be changed. RIGHT NOW. She screams at the top of her lungs "I WANT PULL OFF. I WANT TO BE CHANGED!" She gets down on the floor and tries to pull off her shorts. I go to take her out, but I can't keep her contained. Tony has to take her instead. It's why I don't do things solo much at all any more. It's too scary. Another scene---Janey is in the back yard. She notices the neighbors are having a cookout, and goes to the fence and yells to them "I WANT A HOT DOG!" They are probably so startled to be addressed directly by Janey they don't know what to say. I take her inside for a hot dog.

But a more cheerful scene---we are picking up Freddy from a class he's been at. Janey is like a comedian in the car. She repeats almost everything we say, with a funny twist or a changed word. She recalls long ago phrases, and seems to be doing little routines. She sasses at Freddy, in a little sister way. We are all laughing our heads off. She's like a one woman show.

She gets very defiant. That's the hardest part. She wants some of my coffee drink. I say no. As I turn my head, she grabs it and flings it on the floor, then looks at me. It feels like she wants me to yell, and I give in and yell. I am not a yeller. But I am yelling repeatedly lately. I hate that. I can stay calm if I feel she doesn't know what she is doing, but lately, it feels like she does know very well. She wants a little excitement.

I think, overall, it's a good stage. But a very, very, very tiring one.

Spilling on the floor

Last night was some good old times around the home. First, Janey got a container of yogurt, which she seemed to be eating nicely, until she had the sudden urge to pour it all onto the floor, slowly and deliberately. I was across the room, and couldn't get there in time to prevent a huge yogurt mess all over. We did the whole routine---make her help clean up, time out, firm tone, etc. Then she was having some oyster crackers, and again, not 10 minutes later, the whole bunch of them, thrown on the floor, again, me right there but too late to prevent it.

So what gives? All the advice I've read about autism behavior management starts with figuring out what the antecedent is. What caused the behavior to happen? I was searching my brain for that. I think what causes the behavior is a thought in Janey's mind that it would be cool to see whatever substance she is holding fall onto the floor. I think it's that simple. Sometimes it's anger, but last night, it was just plain wanting to dump things on the floor, because it's interesting to her. So how do I use that? Not let her eat? Not let her have access to anything in the house that could be spilled? Neither are possible.

And how do I discourage the behavior? Nothing works. It seems to be that almost all ways to control behavior are based on two things---wanting to please the adult and understanding cause and effect. Janey doesn't care about pleasing adults. And she doesn't seem to get cause and effect, at least beyond one level. She understands that pouring something on the floor looks interesting---that's cause and effect. But the next level is more complicated---pouring something on the floor looks interesting, but THEN Mama or Daddy makes me help clean it, puts me in time out, talks to me in an angry firm voice. That's thinking that either she doesn't get, or if she does, that she has decided is not a deterrent---the fun of the spilling is greater than the not fun afterward.

So what do I do? We already try to keep everything out of reach, but in a small house with 2 other kids, it's not possible to totally lock everything away. The fridge is bungie-corded shut, but Janey can open that now. Foods like crackers are in bins that snap shut, but she's more skilled at opening them now than the rest of us. And she does have to eat. The one thing we sometimes resort to is feeding her a bite at a time, so she doesn't have food in hand to spill. But she is closing in on being eight, and is very capable of eating on her own. Feeding her like a baby is not a long term solution. But absolutely any food or drink she can hold is subject to being tossed on the floor.

I'm at the end of ideas here. Last night just felt completely depressing. I had no idea what to do. Janey barely slept last night, and today I feel highly discouraged. I spent time when I wasn't sleeping trying my best to find some advice on-line, and I didn't. Over and over, I was told by the writing of "experts" to find that antecedent, to figure out why. I don't think that will help. Am I supposed to somehow block the part of Janey's brain that has the desire to spill? Believe me, I've filled the house with sensory toys. I've put in orders beyond what I can afford for toys that supposedly will fill her need to use household items for whatever she is craving. And they don't work. Other experts say to do what we have been doing for years. Be firm, make her help clean up, put her in time out. Great. I do that. Except for the 7 minutes she's literally made to sit in time out (by means of about 20 redirects back to the time out spot), that doesn't prevent anything. She gets back up and does it again.

I think there is a lack of true understanding of autistic kids by the experts that give advice. I don't think they totally get a child that is not motivated by pleasing adults or anyone else. I don't think they understand the combination of autism and retardation. As I have felt so often, I feel like I'm writing my own rules here, with the help of the few people that do understand, such as her teachers and therapists and other parents of children like Janey. And it feels lonely.

Autistic behavior or naughty behavior?

One of the big challenges with Janey is figuring out when she is doing something due to her autism or when she is just plain being naughty or bratty! It's important to be to figure this out when possible, as I don't want to let her become poorly behaved in addition to being autistic. I think (I hope) this is possible. I don't see myself as a strict parent, but more a firm one. With my boys, I made sure they knew "no" did mean "no", not really so much by punishing them, but by following through---if I said we were leaving the playground and they ran from me, I went to get them and we got right in the car. They also learned that if I made a decision, it was going to stand, and begging and asking over and over didn't work. Politeness was and is important to me. They learned to say Please and Thank You, and I often still get comments on how polite they are, which means a lot to me. They were expected to be respectful of Tony and me, not in a way like we are some scary authority figures, but to the extent they did realize we were the parents and they were the kids.

I don't write all this to self-congratulate, as I think it's starting to sound, but to explain what my parenting style is, and how I want to make it be with Janey, as much as possible. It's hard. There are times when her behavior has nothing to do with naughtiness or brattiness. It has to do with a sound that is scaring her, or internal demons bothering her. But other times, she simply wants her way, and shows that in ways that are changed by her being autistic, but still are ways to try to get what she wants.

For example, the other night we got Chinese food, and as we often do, we tried to watch a TV show on Netflix as a family while we ate. Janey wanted to watch one of her Baby Einstein videos, and was hugely not pleased we wouldn't let her. She started hitting the buttons that change the mode of the TV, she found the remote and turned the TV off, and when all that didn't work, she started screaming a song from one of her videos at the top of her lungs, as if determined to make sure we couldn't enjoy our show. We didn't give in---we put the show up louder and told her she was in time out, and made her stay on the couch. It wasn't a fun meal, and we all probably would have had a lot more peace just putting on her show, but that was a time that she needed to see she couldn't have her way.

However, there are other times when she is falling apart, perhaps because she's tired, or having a bad day, when she will act out and I know it's not her being bratty. Sometimes when she is very upset, she'll ask for a certain show or a certain food. It's not really what she wants, and if we give it to her, she screams and throws it or turns it off. At times like this, I try very hard to stay calm, and to simply distract her and get her to sleep or settle her down. It's hard to explain how I can tell the difference, and maybe sometimes I can't really, but I think I usually can. She doesn't really hear us in that mode, and she wouldn't benefit from reason much.

I am proud of some of Janey's behavior lately! Yesterday she wanted her chip store run. I told her we had to go to the library first, she had to stay with me in the library and be quiet, and she had to be good at the store to get her chips. She did all of those perfectly. The line at the library and the store were both long, but she held my hand and waited patiently, and actually sang a cute song to pass the time at the store. She didn't try to open the chips early, she didn't lose it at all. I felt so, so happy, and praised her hugely. Times like that make me feel there'll be a day when we can eat at restaurants with her without fear, or take her to other public places without bracing ourselves for disaster.

It's going to be a long haul teaching Janey how to behave. I need to keep looking at my reactions to her actions and thinking hard about how I handled different situations. I hope I never stop doing that.

Dennis the Menace was a slacker

I'm compelled to write about Janey's afternoon yesterday, partly just because I dearly hope someday I'll be able to look back on it and laugh, and find it hard to believe it even happened. Now is too soon. About fifty years too soon, I think.

As I picked Janey up from school yesterday, I got a report on her day from her special ed teacher. I love hearing these reports, as her teacher is so wonderful and also has a great sense of humor. It's great hearing about Janey's day, even when, as it was yesterday, it's a mixed report. Janey didn't feel like sharing the iPad, and slapped her friend she was supposed to be sharing with. She didn't feel like concentrating on her work, and had to stay in for part of recess, which made her very, very angry. I could just picture her, and we both were feeling happy that Janey understood what was happening and reacted with the reaction a lot of first graders would have. She also did a lot of good talking, and said a complete long sentence about wanting to make a ladybug in speech therapy.

On the way home, I talked to her about her day, as I try to do every day, although it's a one sided conversation. I went over how we don't slap people, how I was glad she was talking a lot, all that. In the rear view mirror I could see Janey looked a bit surprised I knew about the less great parts of her day---another age appropriate reaction I remember well from the boys!

Then...we got home. And started what can only be called the HOUR FROM HELL.

First, I tried to have us play outside a bit before going in. The weather has been great lately. Usually, Janey loves to be outside, but for some reason, she wanted to go in. I insisted we stay outside for a few minutes. As I was admiring my daffodills, with Janey feet away, she decided to take off her clothes and play in dirt. Well played, Janey---she figured out that would get her inside fast. So we went in, and I started a bath for her. She entertained herself while the water was running by slamming down the toilet seat repeatedly. I got her into the bath, and she quick as a wink grabbed some shampoo and poured it almost all into the water, to make bubbles. I moved all the shampoo and conditioner out of reach, and got the bath done.

Then, I thought we'd play a little iPad, and practice sharing. But Janey thought instead she'd grab a bottle of soda and practice pouring into a small glass. As I rushed over, the glass overflowed and Janey delightedly poured soda all over the floor. A huge sticky mess ensured. I put her in time out (which I doubted does a bit of good, but she'll usually stay there and it gives me time to clean up). Luckily she didn't get much on herself, so I decided against a second bath for the moment.

Then---the fateful phone call. As she was in time out, I looked for the phone (anyone who calls us knows we can never find the phones, a result of having to always be where Janey is, and walking around the house while we talk). I blame myself, really, for thinking I deserved the luxury of talking to whoever might be calling. At that point I would have chatted with a bill collector for some adult conversation. I yelled over to Freddy to keep an eye on Janey, and he said he would. We both must have let down our guard for a minute, thinking she was still sitting in time out. But she wasn't. When Freddy got up to check on her, literally just a minute later, I heard a scream from him "JANEY! JANEY! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!" I ran to the kitchen, where she was, and where she had decided to open a new jar of peanut butter, which I had left in her reach thinking she couldn't get it open (I barely can open jars lately), or open the inner seal, both of which she had done, and then had quickly grabbed a handful or two of the stuff, completely covered her chest and face and hair with it, and was getting started on spreading it over the kitchen. At that fateful moment, Tony walked in, coming home from work, to a scene I'm sure is burnt in his mind. At first, he thought an even more upsetting "diaper incident" had occured. I can see why. I led Janey to the bathtub, trying my darnest to keep her from touching anything. I gave her a second bath. And learned something new---you can't wash off peanut butter very easily. It takes scrubbing. It doesn't come out of hair until you've shampooed it about three times. It was a long bath, made longer by tears, not Janey's (she who can cry for an afternoon over nothing was not shedding a single tear) but mine. Tony and Freddy worked on cleaning the kitchen.

And that, my friends, was an hour in my life.

I'm trying to analyze it. Why? I can't think this was all just impulse, although I might be wrong. I think Janey was acting out, at least to some extent. She was probably annoyed I talked to her about school, annoyed to be home (she loves school) and also had had a bit of a thinking breakthrough---I can be naughty on purpose. It makes all kinds of wild things happen.

I have no idea where to go from here. Except little things---never assume she can't open soda or peanut butter. Although we literally try to ALWAYS have someone watching her (not just casually, but literally with their eyes on her), she's getting quicker, and we don't have that nice 30 second window any more.

How is this going to be possible? Should we stop sleeping, as there's always that possibility she will wake up when we are asleep? What the hell are we going to do? Where do we go from here?