Good Old-Fashioned Crying Night

I must have a huge ability to put bad times out of my head.  Maybe it's something that you develop with special needs parenting, so you can go on and face each new day.  If Janey goes a few weeks without a huge crying spell, I can almost let myself think it will not happen any more, despite all evidence to the contrary.  I can let the harsh edges of the last time soften in my mind.  I guess Janey felt I needed a reminder, as tonight was a good ol' cryfest.  It was probably my fault.  I had library books I needed to pick up after I got her at after-school.  She seemed okay, and she had a snack in the car, so I thought we could risk it.  She was good in the library (I just go to the desk and pick up books I have ordered).  She even said "thank you" to the nice librarian who gave her a rubber bracelet for being good (they know her and are better with her all the time, one of the reasons I always go to the same branch at the same time).  But as soon as we got back in the car, she freaked out.  I think it started because I didn't take her to the CVS for a treat after the library. I hadn't said I was going to---I'm trying to gradually phase that out, so I only do it every other time or so.  But Janey I think knew things were off.  She didn't say anything, but stood for a while at the door before getting in the car, as if to say "Forgetting something?"  If she had asked verbally, I probably would have taken her.  But it was getting late and I didn't.  She started screaming in the car, which is a half hour of screaming while driving in stressful areas.  She screamed in the house, despite Tony giving her everything she wanted for supper and then also getting her a Happy Meal.  She screamed pretty much non-stop until she fell asleep.  I mean SCREAMED---with a loud, loud voice.  It doesn't take much of that until I'm a wreck.  I try to be totally calm, to talk to her calmly, to rub her back or encourage her to take deep breathes, to understand what is wrong and try to fix it.  But none of it works, pretty much ever.  And all my theories and good feelings and understanding becomes hard to access, and I just want her to stop.  I go numb, saying the right words to her while in my mind going to some far away place where she isn't screaming. The boys get upset---they can't work.  They go elsewhere to do their homework.  Tony and I can't talk.  Even the cats get spooked.  It's a long night.  It's a crying night.  And I hope like heck it's an isolated night.

The Chips Store

Here's Janey getting her salt and vinegar chips from "the chips store", aka the CVS. She knows right where to go to get them. The other day she thought she'd try some sour cream and cheddar instead, which surprised me greatly, but today she was back to her old faithful. Then she thought she'd get creative and grab a Hershey's Almond---this was after I had paid, and she tried to open it, rendering it unsalable. So I went back and bought it. The cashier said "Don't you want one that isn't all crushed for her treat?" and I said no, she crushed that one so I'd buy that one, but she certainly wasn't getting it as an additional treat! The cashier looked a little troubled by my strictness. She meant well, but that's a message I'd rather not send "Can you give me a fresh new Hershey's Bar to replace the one my daughter crushed when she was attempting to steal it? I don't want her treat to be all mushed!" Of course, Janey doesn't get stealing, but she does get that we don't open things in stores and we don't get things unless I say it's okay. I thought about not letting her have the chips, either, but those were a reward for being very good at the library, and that is an example of where the autism does modify my parenting. I don't think at this point Janey would have had any idea what not giving her the chips had to do with her mushing the candy. She did get it about the candy---she asked for it over and over and I told her over and over why she couldn't have it, and why it was going to be a treat for Freddy instead. It all gets complicated, and who knows if I am handling it all correctly, but there's no guidebook for this kind of thing. We are all making up the rules as we go along.