First day on the road

I'm going to try to write a little every day about our week long trip with Janey, to remember it and to share how it goes and anything I might discover about traveling with autism along for the ride!

This is the first trip we've attempted with Janey since she was 3, when she was diagnosed with autism.  Her diagnosis actually came soon after our last long trip, a 3 week cross-country one.  In some part of my mind, the part that likes to blame myself for things, I wonder if the trip had some part in her rapid decline at that point.  I don't think so, but for that reason and much more just because even short trips with Janey were tough for years, we haven't travelled more than a night or two since, and not much of even that.

For this trip, we will be gone 7 nights, in 5 different hotels.  There will be quite a lot of driving, as we go from Boston to the Toledo, OH area. 

We got on the road today about 9, and arrived here in Scranton, PA about 5.  What would be normally a bit over a 4 hour drive took us 8, but that was okay, as it was necessary to keep Janey happy, which, for the most part, she was.  Most of our stops were to deal with something that was upsetting her that swe couldn't do while driving.  She has her special pillow with her, and sometimes, it had to be next to her, while other times, it had to be out of sight in the luggage area.  I don't know why, I think only Janey's OCD knows why, but we stopped to fix that a couple times, as well as put in and take out her ponytail.  A few times, she screamed "WANT THAT SONG!" but wasn't able to say what song it was.  Luckily, I suggested a few songs and either got it right or made her think of another one that would work.

The most upset she got was in the hotel room, with her iPad.  She wanted to watch YouTube Kids, but I hadn't set the wi-fi yet.  She came close to biting me, but I evaded it and got the iPad going.  I think by that point she was just burnt out, and wanted to do something that felt like home, and once she did, she was calm.

We promised her swimming at the hotel, but she has fallen asleep before we could go, so we'll do that in the morning.  I hope she sleeps well.

Tony and I have talked about how this trip goes will be something we are paying close attention to, as what we hope to do when he retires is a lot more trips like this, to see the country.  We are low-key travellers, often happy with looking at car scenery, eating fast food and swimming in hotel pools, and if we can do that more in 5 years or so, we'll be happy.  If not, we'll make another plan, as Janey's happiness is a necessary part of our happiness.  We are encouraged by the many big smiles we saw today, on what was mostly a good start to the week.  Tune in tomorrow!

The Happiest Day

This past Saturday, we went to a little amusement park called Thomas Land.  It's an offshoot of a long beloved Massachusetts attraction, Edaville Railroad.  It's aimed probably at the 3-6 year old demographic, an age we don't have a representative of, but William when he was that age was one of the world's biggest Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends fan, so even now that he is 21, he had an urge to take in the park.  We took Janey along not at all sure how she'd feel about it, but wanting to give it a try.

Well, I would have to say it was Janey's happiest day ever, as the video above of her extremely happy flapping shows.  It was amazing, astonishing, purely wonderful.  She was happy, and often overjoyed, the entire time we were there.  She and Tony rode almost every ride, she danced to the music playing in the park, she rode the Thomas train twice, and even when we were just sitting to rest, she beamed at William like we've never seen before.

Janey looking at her brother William with a hero worship look!

I have to admit I'm not really an amusement park person.  I don't like rides, especially anything that goes around in circles, and I don't like the high prices of the food and souvenirs and park entry.  I almost sort of prided myself on thinking my kids would feel as I did..."Janey has some pretty sophisticated tastes.  She's not into things like amusement parks".  I was wrong.  And I'm very glad I was.

Janey's unprompted wave from the elephant ride

My friend Rebecca sent me a link to this blog post, written by a woman with autism about how strongly she feels joy in the things she loves, what she calls the "obsessive joy" of autism.  It make me think a lot.  I don't think I've ever, ever been as happy as Janey was at the park for as long as she was.  With me, there would always be something holding back the joy a little, even when I was 11 as she is.  I'd worry socially---were the people with me happy?  I'd worry about safety---was the ride going to fall over?  I'd worry about how long
we'd stay---was someone going to make me leave before I wanted to?  I'd worry about food---when were we going to eat?  What would I get to have?  I'd worry about the ride home, about the weather, about anything and everything.  Admittedly, I'm a worrier (less now than at that age, but still...) but I think it's a common thing to have our joy measured with worry or care.  I know Janey has worries and cares, but I think she's able to focus on happiness when happiness is what she is feeling.

Thomas in all his glory!

The world is a scary place lately.  I've read a lot about what people are doing to explain the events in Orlando to their kids.  Sometimes, I am glad I don't have to do that with Janey.  She is unaware of world events.  I'm glad of littler things.  She will be going to a new school for summer school (back to her old school in the fall, but summer school works differently) and I am nervous about that.  Janey isn't.  I don't know if she understood me when I told her about the change, but either way, I am pretty sure she doesn't worry much about the future.  She is very sad in the moment when she is sad, but she is also very happy in the moment that she is happy.  I'm not saying it's a better way to be, or a "gift" of autism, but it simply is what it is, and I am happy she can be that happy.

We might get a season pass next year to Thomas Land.  I don't know if any day will be as special as this past one, but I am pretty sure we'll be visiting Thomas, Percy, James, Toby and all the crew for years to come.

Road Trip

This past weekend, we took Freddy back to college in Saratoga Springs, NY.  We were going to make it a one night trip, but with the early week reports of the blizzard possibly hitting Boston, we added Friday night on.  The blizzard didn't hit, but the two nights away made for a good little getaway.

Janey did extremely well with the trip overall.  There were many great moments.  She loves hotel rooms, and we stayed in two different ones (as it was too late to add a second night to the first one we booked).  She literally danced around with joy at her first sight of each one.  I've heard a few other parents of kids like Janey say that their kids love hotels, too. I'm not sure why.  Part of it with Janey is that hotel rooms tend to have lots of mirrors, and she very much enjoys mirrors, but I think part of it is just having a new little pocket world to explore.  She can go anywhere she wants within the room, and that gives her something new to explore on her own---something she doesn't get a lot of.

When we ate in public on the trip---one trip to Wendys and one to the hotel breakfast buffet, and when we went to the Target to get Freddy some last minute things, I realized something interesting.  It doesn't bother me when Janey gets stared at anymore, not really at all.  She was stared at plenty, but although I noticed it, I was able to pretty much ignore it.  Or else I thought "Yeah, here's one of those kids with autism you hear so much about in the press, live and in person!  Feast your eyes!"  It was a bit of an in your face attitude I felt, and believe me, that is not an attitude that comes easily to me.  But as Janey gets bigger, she stands out more and more, and unless we keep her out of sight at all times, she's going to be stared at.  And...so be it. Especially in the Target, there were plenty of odd people that I think warranted more staring than Janey, but that's life.

I also noticed during the trip that we are better able than we used to be to set aside tough moments and remember times as positive.  There were certainly screaming moments on the trip, times that Janey for no reason we could see just lost it and screamed and bit her arm, times that she was quite unhappy.  But we know now that usually, unless something big is going on, these times pass if she's in a generally good mood.  She said one of her longest sentences in a while when looking in the mirror---"I have one blue eye and one big eye"  She actually has two blue eyes that look the same size to me, but it was a cool moment to hear her thoughts while looking at herself.  She also did a lot of singing and dancing---always fun to watch.

As the years go by, I think we are learning to meet Janey in the middle.  For someone with typical kids only, this trip might have seemed like not much fun.  We did little outside the hotel rooms or the car.  We drove around a lot, as Janey loves that.  We did get out to dinner, just Tony and me, on Saturday night---thanks, big brother Fred!  We dealt with a few meltdowns, but we also laughed a lot.  Our lives with Janey are never going to be mainstream.  She's going to be stared at, she's going to scream at times, we aren't going to be able to do typical getaway things.  But we will also have the fun of watching her joy at little things, and the freedom, in a way, that comes from having a preteen that still gets a thrill out of being with her parents doing not much. We'll keep on going, and take our fun where we can get it.

Not Defined by Autism

There's a saying about autism that is very true---"If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism"  I've been thinking lately how the word "autism" can mean very little, even when modified by the sometimes politically incorrect low or high functioning labels.  This fact was brought home to me strongly when I tried taking Janey to a vacation event run by the local autism agency.  It was an animal show---or I think it was, as we couldn't actually stay for it.  After a half hour free play time, which Janey tolerated because Tony came with me and stayed with her every second, all the kids were supposed to sit on the floor near the man showing the animals.  I was amazed that most of them did.  Janey, however, did not want to be there any longer, and showed that vividly by kicking me in the face.  I got the message and we left.  I felt extremely low for that ride home.  If Janey couldn't fit in in a crowd of kids with autism, where in heck would she EVER fit in?

After lots of thinking, I realized that was a harsh conclusion for me to come to.  Janey has a unique personality.  ALL kids have unique personalities.  But in picking "autism" as the word to describe Janey, only a little part of who she is gets highlighted.  She IS autistic---she's been evaluated at least three times and meets the criteria for that diagnoses.  But she's more....

Janey is VERY easily bored.  That fact came alive this vacation week.  Neither of her brothers were around, and Tony worked half days.  Although I did my damnest to keep her entertained, Janey hated this week.  Janey likes activity, movement, noise, excitement.  She doesn't need a lot of down time.

Janey has next to no patience.  If she asks to do something, and I don't do it immediately, she freaks out.  If she wants to snuggle, she wants to snuggle RIGHT NOW.  If she craves a walk to the ice cream store, it has to happen IMMEDIATELY.

Janey has a hair trigger.  This relates to the first two.  If Janey is bored, and if she wants to do something to relieve that boredom, and I don't do it immediately, she lashes out.  I was hit over and over and over during this vacation week, almost always because I wasn't doing what Janey wanted to do.

Those are three mostly negative facts of Janey's personality.  Here's some positive ones...

Janey enjoys being out and about.  She doesn't have a real craving for routine.  This is where the standard view of autism doesn't much serve Janey.  Her happiest day this vacation was when Tony and I took her for a long drive to parts of the state we hadn't seen before.  Just seeing the scenery, stopping here and there for a bite to eat or a run at a scenic turnout, resulted in a super day.  She did get mad at one point when she wanted her shoes off and that didn't happen immediately, but overall, the day was a dream compared to the other vacation days.

Janey is passionate and enthusiastic about things she likes.  If you have a view of kids with autism being self-contained, you aren't picturing Janey.  When music comes on that she likes, her excitement and joy are completely infectious.  She goes into a state of total happiness.  Last night, she discovered "The Pink Panther" on YouTube, and her hysteria over the antics she was seeing was something else again.  She can get excited beyond belief at pesto, at Chinese food, at TV shows, at seeing someone she loves.  She loves things hard.

Janey has a wonderful sense of humor.  She likes nothing better than the whole family being together laughing at something.  One way to get her out of a bad mood is to put on a funny show or movie we all like and laugh loudly at it.  She says things that I think are designed to crack people up, and she loves it when people laugh.  The other day, at the ice cream store, she got chocolate milk instead of her usual ice cream.  The clerk commented on that, and Janey said "I totally need a drink!"  The whole place fell apart laughing.  I swear Janey knew what she was doing.

I imagine that every parent of a child with autism could write something like I have just written---aspects of their child that define them, outside of the ones that autism dictates.  It's why what works for one child with autism might very much not work for another one.  It's why I have a hard time sometimes with advice that is general, advice about "what works for kids with autism" Janey's particular blend of attributes makes her who she is, not her autism.  She's a challenging kid----there's no question about that.  But I don't think it's her autism that makes her challenging, any more than it's her autism that makes her such a firecracker.  She's Janey.