Four phrases that work lately!

It would seem to stand to reason that when we find something that works well with Janey, we'd use it over and over---that we would remember it.  But that's one of the tough things about autism in reality versus autism in theory.  In the middle of tantrums, screaming, lashing out, hours of crying, we tend to forget what has worked in the past, or if we remember, are just too burnt out to break old ways of doing things and insert the new ways.  As a way of reminding myself,  and to see if anyone else finds these useful, here's four phrases that have worked well lately.....

"Great job!"

Praise in general has almost been a breakthrough lately.  I don't think I ever realized how much Janey needs praise, and I would have said I praised her plenty.  But lately, I have just been laying the praise on extremely thickly, and it is amazingly motivating to her!  I'll find the smallest thing to praise, and will lavishly tell her what a great job she's done, give her high fives, thumbs up, A-Okay, the whole bit.  From putting her clothes in the hamper to not freaking out when we say no to asking nicely to take a ride---we can usually find something to praise.  I think Janey is partly just happy when we are happy, and if we are praising her, we use a happy and upbeat voice.  I've always heard you should praise kids at least 10 times more often than you criticize them, and with Janey, the 10 almost needs to be multiplied by 10---100 praises a day!


"Here's the plan for today"

This is something I really need to say every single morning.  I forget often that Janey wakes up unsure what the day will bring.  School is sometimes five days a week, sometimes four, sometimes not at all.  Daddy is home sometimes, not home sometimes, and William and Freddy are the same.  We might be going in the car a lot some days, and not at all other days.  When you really don't understand the patterns, I'm sure it's scary.  This morning, Janey woke up much earlier than she has been.  Usually, she's been waking up just a little before the bus comes for summer school, but today, there was a lot of spare morning time, and I could see her getting more and more nervous.  Finally, I remembered, and said "Here's the plan for today.  It's a school day.  The bus will come and take you to school.  Then you will come home, and then Daddy and William and Freddy will come home.  Daddy will take you for a ride in the car."  Almost instantly, Janey relaxed.  For some kids, visual calendars work, but for Janey, who I am realizing is a very good listener, just running down the day like that works best.


"Let me know when you decide"

There are times it feels like I spend half my life giving Janey choices.  She'll say "Want to watch Angelina!" and she always, always has a specific show in mind, but never is able to quite tell me which one.  I'll go through all the episodes, she'll not give me much of a hint what she wants, I'll put on the wrong one, she'll scream---it's not fun.  Or she'll open the fridge, wanting something to eat, and not finding it, and I'll go through everything I can think of to offer her.  What has worked lately, though, is to just say something like "I know you are hungry, but you're not telling me what you want.  Let me know when you decide" and then walking away.  Sometimes, that works in that Janey comes over and finds a way to tell me what she wants, but other times, it just works to break the cycle---Janey picks something on her own, or changes her mind and asks for something else more specific.  It seems like she likes having the ball in her court, and it's certainly more relaxing for me.



"I'll be so proud when you calm down!"

This is the phrase that's blown my mind lately a few times with effectiveness!  Janey has been screaming, lashing out, having a fit, and I have stepped back and said "I'll be so proud when you calm down!"  It's the kind of thing that if someone had suggested it to me, I'd have said (mentally) "Yeah, right.  THAT will work"  But it does, a lot of times.  I think it gives Janey a moment to back down and a simple goal to work on.  The SECOND she shows signs of calming, I give her a huge hug and tell her how proud I am.  Sometimes, she stays calm, and sometimes, I have to do it a few times, but even if it only works partially, I think it's a good exercise, because ultimately, the only way to really help Janey not lash out and scream is to have her figure out how to calm herself, on her own.  This way, I'm not telling her how to calm down, I'm just giving her a chance to do so.


Now, of course, lots of times none of these work.  And Janey has been in a good mood for a few weeks, so they might not work at all when her mood changes.  But while I am feeling like there are a few things that actually do work, I wanted to get them down on paper (or on computer, actually).  And here's a picture of Janey this morning, just after me being proud she calmed down!

Turning a negative ritual into a positive ritual

Whenever I write about something that has worked with Janey, I feel I have to say that I can't promise it will still work a day later, to say nothing of anything longer term than that.  But today's little triumph was very interesting to me, and I wanted to share it even if it doesn't last.

This all got started after I wrote a despairing post on my Facebook page that is a companion to this blog, about Janey screaming over and over and how it made it so impossible to get out of the house.  One of my great Facebook friends, Audrey, posted a link to this site, which talked about a method using a clicker of reinforcing good behaviors in lower functioning kids with autism.  The click clearly tells them they have done a good job, and they get a reinforcing treat for that, eventually not every single time, but after a certain number of good times.  The article was followed by some pretty extreme comments by people that didn't like this method at all, and felt it was treating the kids like "animals", but I didn't feel that way.  It seemed like a pretty mild and easy way to tell kids they were doing well, by making a sound that wasn't used for any other reason and then by reinforcing good behavior, like "quiet mouth" (not screaming)

However, the problem with this method for Janey is nothing really works as a positive reinforcer on a long term basis.  She doesn't have any food she always likes that can be easily given as a treat, she doesn't care about stickers or little toys or anything like that.  And I am not sure she'd get having to wait for more than one instance of good behavior for a treat.  Thinking about it, I realized her favorite reinforcer is just plain praise, given in a way that's part of a bit of a ritual.  Lately, when she's done something very good, I say "Great job!  High five!  Thumbs up!  A-OK!", and give her a high five, a thumbs up and a symbol of A-OK with my fingers.  She loves that.

So, I waited until a minute she wasn't screaming, and said "Great job not screaming!" Then I went through the whole routine.  I did that about 10 times in a row, keeping on saying what a great job she was doing not screaming.  And then I waited, and didn't have to wait long, for her to ask the question she asks a million times a day "Want to go to Maryellen's house?"  If I say no to this request to go to my friend's house, she screams.  So this time, when she asked it, I said "I'm going to say no, and if you don't scream, I will say 'Great job not screaming!' and give you a a high five and thumbs-up and A-OK!"  I then said "No, we can't go to Maryellen's house" and without any time in between for her to start screaming, immediately started the praise routine.  She looked surprised and kind of pleased.  I said "Let's try it again!  Ask again to go to Maryellen's house!" which she looked positively startled to hear, as usually I try to discourage that repeated question.  She asked again, and I again did the praise routine.  We did this over and over, each time leaving a little more time for her to maybe scream after I said no, but she didn't!

I was worried when she asked again a few hours later, it wouldn't work, but she asked with a look in her eyes that let me know she was waiting for the fun praise routine, and I gave it to her.  She did the same thing about 10 more times later in the day,  and every time, she didn't scream.  I felt a rare feeling of having actually accomplished something with her.  Maybe I've turned a question that had become a ritual of anger into a fun ritual.

Janey has been cheerier this afternoon than she has in a few days.  I think I might have finally found something she actually does get reinforced by, and it's not so much praise, although that's a part of it, as it is a set routine.  I have been letting her set the routines, and they were not routines I wanted.  I think I need to try to set the routines and rituals myself, at least some of the time, and try to make them positive ones.

We'll see if this keeps working!