The Bison, The Scorpion and The Mystery

Janey watches certain videos on YouTube over and over and over and over. She has become very attached to my old decommissioned iPhone, and like many teenagers, has it by her side almost all the time. Her favorite video right now is a Cocomelon one, and if you don't know what Cocomelon is, you are lucky. Their videos feature a too good to be true family, especially the youngest, a strange looking toddler called JJ. JJ goes to an extremely fancy preschool---they go skiing, get tap dance in a studio, go on a submarine and learn to surf. In the video we hear all day every day, it's the Winter Show and Tell time, told about to a tune that is sort of like The Twelve Days of Christmas, but not exactly. JJ has forgotten his project, and his mother is going to bring it later. I wish I didn't know any of that. I am tortured by the video from start to finish. But I also generally believe in letting Janey pick on her own what she watches, and I've read much from others with autism saying that watching the same thing over and over can be very comforting. So...most of the time I just try to ignore it.

 One afternoon, however, I was at my wit's end. I took the iPhone and insisted on a break, and quickly, to try to keep Janey occupied, grabbed my laptop and looked for something she might like. I found for some reason an animal quiz, showing pictures of various animals to identify. The first one was a bison. I didn't think Janey would know what a bison was, and I was right. But what she called it was what really blew my mind. She looked at it for a minute and said "That's a scorpion" The bison in question had horns that folded back on themselves. Looked at close up, the horns looked exactly like the tail of a scorpion. 

 So many questions raced into my mind. How in the world did Janey know what a scorpion was? Why did she focus in on that part of the picture and make the connection? And how did she come up with the word "scorpion", when often she has a very hard time giving the correct name to the correct one of her two brothers, when her talking is so very limited, when she watches a mind-numbingly dull video hour after hour? How the heck does her mind work? What does it feel like to be her?

 I've wondered these things for many years, of course, but lately, it's hitting me more. A lot of it is the fear that Janey is bored out of her mind a lot of the time. It's not like we don't try to expand what she does. The house is full of books and toys, and I try very hard to engage her with them. We take her for multiple rides a day (the only other activity besides the videos she asked for much). We would jump on absolutely any interest she showed and go with it as far as we could. But she is hugely resistant to anything but the videos and car rides.

 It would almost be easier to think that her mind isn't full of knowledge. It truly bothers me to think of all she knows that never gets shown or used. I think about how I'd feel watching the same thing over and over, and I think I'd truly feel like I couldn't take it. I want Janey's life to be full and interesting. So what do I do? And why does it take what almost feels like a party trick to get Janey to let us know what she knows? We've figured out when she really wants a car ride, and we aren't ready to go, she'll answer almost anything we ask, somehow hoping that it's part of the routine to get us going. We don't say that, and we would never force her to answer questions to get to do something she wanted, but still, it can be interesting. Today, in that situation, she gave her phone number, her address, her full name, and when we asked "What planet do we live on?" she confidently answered "Jupiter!" How does she know that's a planet? How is she able to easily recite a 10 digit phone number but not always her name? How can I help her use her intelligence and knowledge to have a life with more variety? What can I do? What does she WANT me to do?

 I'm mostly ignoring Autism Awareness or Acceptance or whatever month. I am as aware of autism as I can be, and I fully accept Janey's autism, and I can't do much about anyone else but myself. But what I really want is to UNDERSTAND Janey. What is her mind like? I wish that there were more studies of kids like Janey, not just those kids with autism that can speak for themselves. I think it's vitally important that Janey and her peers, those with severe autism, with non-verbal or low verbal autism, be understood, that we know how they think so we can help them live their best lives. It means more than anything to me to be able to give Janey the best life possible, but in so many ways, after all these years, she's still a mystery to me.

When Janey got studied and blew our minds

Janey is part of a study of autism at Boston University.  They are interested in kids who are low verbal---who talk but don't talk a lot, and she fits right into that category.  We first started with them just right before all hell started breaking loose, when Janey went to Bradley Hospital and then in fairly short order had her appendix burst, so quite a while went by without us going to the study.  I called them a few months ago and got us started again, and we've been twice since then.

Dedicated parking!

BU has a great setup for the study.  They have a dedicated area, which has been designed to be very autism-friendly.  It's calm feeling, there are toys and books in the waiting area Janey actually has an interest in, they have a dedicated parking space for participants (a BIG deal in the city!) and most of all, everyone we have met working on testing or on interviewing parents seems to be absolutely wonderful at what they do.

Janey seems to love going to the study.  She's never one to have much trouble separating from us, and she goes off happily with the tester while Tony and I get interviewed about her by the head of the study.  The few times we went a few years ago, and the first time we went this go-round, the interviewing lasted as long as Janey's testing, but this last time, we finished the interview and so got an offer to go watch Janey being tested, through a one way mirror.

Well---that is where we got our minds blown.  We saw a Janey we've never, ever seen.  She seemed totally at ease, and very, very on.  She's been in a great mood lately, so that was part of her, but a lot of the credit has to go to the tester, a young woman who had the perfect mix of calm voice, persistence, encouragement and firmness.  

The testing was a mix.  Part of it was identifying pictures, and Janey whizzed through that---words I knew she knew like "cow" and "apple", but lots of action verbs, which I had no idea she really knew.  For example, a picture of a boy swimming got the response "The boy is swimming"---perfect grammar and a full sentence.  With a picture of some birds, Janey first said "bird" and then when asked how many, she actually counted them and correctly answered "four".  We looked at each other in the darkened observation room in amazement.

Some of the tasks were non-verbal things, like sorting silverware or doing little block puzzles.  Janey had no trouble at all with most of them.  Sometimes, she had to be encouraged along a bit, but she didn't get upset, she kept working and she did them!

It was interesting to us that what she consistently got wrong was what I've never had any luck at all teaching her---colors.  She honestly seems to have no clue about colors, and sometimes I wonder if she might be colorblind.  I've been told, though, that many kids with autism have a hard time with colors.  She also gets a little confused on shapes.  She called a star a diamond---sort of like she knew it was one of the more exotic shapes but couldn't bring the name to mind.

Toward the end of the session, Janey was getting a little restless, and she started singing to herself.  It took me a while to recognize the song, but when I did, I was happy---it's a song I love that she's never shown much interest in---"I'd Really Love To See You Tonight".  An old 70's soft rock classic!  She just kept singing the first few lines---"Hello, yeah, it's been a while, not much, how 'bout you?"  She probably sang those 100 times over.  What struck me was how although it looked like she wasn't really paying any attention to the tasks at hand, she kept getting them right.

On the way home, as I processed the whole experience, a few thoughts kept popping up.  One is that Janey's mind truly is different than most.  Not less than most---different than most. It made me think how often I've assumed she was paying no attention, because in her situation I'd not be able to pay attention while screaming or singing or watching a show intently, but from seeing her at work, I realized her mind seems to work on more than one track at once.  

I also kept wondering how often Janey is bored out of her mind.  I've always suspected and in fact felt quite sure she knew more than she showed, but I don't think I realized how much more.  However, it's so hard to access that knowledge, and to know what she knows and how to teach her.  Tony put it well.  He said he always tries to not bring work home mentally, to leave work thoughts at work, and it's like Janey does that with school, and in fact with much she learns in any way.  If it's not something she needs to show in a particular situation, she doesn't show it.  I've asked her to count lots of times, and to use action verbs, and all that---but she seems to feel they aren't something she needs to show she knows, unless it's obviously a testing situation (and then of course only if she is in the mood)

I'm very glad we are part of the BU study. It's the kind of study I heartily support---not one that is aiming to figure out WHY she is autistic (and unspokenly, figuring out how to prevent future autism) but one that is trying to figure out the autistic mind---for that is indeed also my main task in life---figuring out Janey.  It's going to be a lifetime study on my part, and one worthy of the time spent.