|Frog and Dog from Word World, feeling like I did yesterday|
Tony says that Janey's screaming often hurts his ears. I thought this was more of a figure of speech. Maybe I'm half deaf already, but I hadn't had my ears literally hurt by a scream---until yesterday. Janey's scream over the wrong show coming on felt like someone was poking an ice pick into my head through my ears. It was truly ear-piercing.
I tried, and in my mind did a good job with, starting my calming patter with Janey as she screamed. I said things like I knew she was upset, I wanted her to feel better, the wrong show was over...things like that. However, I also must have said "I don't like it when you scream" I know I must have said that, because that is the phrase she started repeating. At the top of her lungs. For a long, long fifteen minutes or so. I hope I didn't really sound like her echoing of me. If I did, I sounded like, well, someone seriously unhinged.
Finally, she calmed a bit and asked for a snuggle. I put blankets over us, as she likes, and lay next to her and we sang together a bit. Things seemed better. Then---the bed was soaked.
As I pulled the sheets and blankets and everything else off the bed, I must have said "I'm so tired of this" I didn't mean to. I meant to...I don't know what I meant to say. I meant to say whatever it is you are supposed to say to a twelve year old autistic girl who is sometimes toilet trained and sometimes not, and who refused at least three times that afternoon to try to use the toilet. I don't know exactly what that right thing to say is. I don't know if anyone does. But she heard me. She heard me and started repeating, again in scream mode "I'M SO TIRED OF THIS!" For half an hour.
When Tony got home, I was pretty much reduced to a quivering, ranting mess. Often upon his entrance after work, I say "Thanks for coming home". I mean it. I know there are men, and women, who would, after the years of coming home to a spouse who is acting like I was acting, would say "to heck with it" and just stop coming home. Tony is not that man. I am very lucky. He took over with Janey and I sat for hours watching dumb shows on TV and trying to empty my mind.
Janey slept well last night, and woke up in what seemed to be a good mood. I hope school is okay. Reports are she's been having a tough time there lately too. Yesterday her teacher said she was singing loudly in the morning, and I could picture it quite well. I honestly don't know how the other kids in the room can work at all when Janey gets loud.
I don't know how to conclude this. I wish I could say I'll try not to say things that aren't positive to Janey, that her repeating of them shows she hears negative messages from me. But honestly, I don't know if I can be that perfect. I don't know if anyone could, anyone on earth. Most of the time, I can truly say I do the best I can, and I'll keep doing that, but some days, it's a lot harder than others, and I am sure that goes for Janey too. Thanks for listening, my friends.