Thursday, November 1, 2012
Janey at School
It's always hard going to events at school, as I've written about. This isn't anything in any way the school does. Janey is always included. But it's just hard being faced with the differences between Janey and all the other 2nd graders. It really hit me yesterday. Janey is like a toddler in a class full of big kids. When she saw me, she ran over to me and wanted to be held. I gave in and did so, because I know she wouldn't have stayed at her desk. She was in her manic laughing mode, and I was trying to quiet her while the teacher was talking, although I'm sure the kids are very used to her being noisy. Later I took her for a walk around the school, as she was getting upset. She very much doesn't like her routine changed, and I am not supposed to be there in the middle of the day. I mentioned this to her teacher, and I loved how she understood. She said "but I know you'd feel awful if you didn't come" which is exactly true. I like it when people get it, and don't try to fix things that can't be fixed. I have to go---I would never not go to school events. But it's never going to be easy to do so.
There's great parts about being around the school too, of course. I get to see as I always do how many people know Janey and are so good to her, and how happy she was walking around the school. The school is shaped like a bit doughnut with a courtyard in the middle, so it's perfect for talking a walk around when Janey needs that. She sees people, they say hi and wait for her to answer, which is something terrific for her to work on. The whole school is part of her education.
And that's the story of my life. There is always some sad with the happy. I love the school, I love my Janey, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I sit there seeing the wonderful kids in her class that have written long pieces about interesting memories and I have a deep sadness that Janey can't do that. I see them sitting at their desks, eager to answer questions, learning so much so easily, it seems, and my heart breaks a little. I love the Janey I have, but I still have dreams of the Janey I won't ever have. I wish I could say otherwise, but I can't.