The last few days have felt pretty tough. Janey has been in an odd mood. She is still talking much better than usual, but she's very, very emotional and volatile. She is reminding me of a teenager, and I was remembering that both boys went through a stage a little like that when they were 8, and a friend had told me all her 4 kids did. We had a theory it's when the teenage hormones start to kick in, to get the whole process started, and that makes sense. She will be watching TV, happy as a clam, and suddenly something hits her and she is screaming or angry, and running over to me with her favorite phrase "Snuggle on Mama's bed!". She has also been getting a little hitty. Just flinging her arms around and a little more often than chance would dictate flinging them onto me. I could deal with all this, but I also got some test results from the doctor indicating I better take better care of myself. Nothing terrible, but warnings. Among other things, my thyroid apparently is once again on strike and I probably need a higher dose of replacement. That in the best of times can leave me drained and exhausted.
So yesterday it felt like too much. I tried hard to absorb it all, because what else can I do? But when driving to pick up Janey, my eyes did not get the message the rest of my mind was shouting at them, and I started crying. Which is not good to do while driving in the city in the dark. It was funny---I didn't feel that emotional, but my eyes did.
Now it's the middle of the night, and I woke from a dream or thought or something. I was picturing the new challenges coming in, and me packing them up in boxes---reasoning them out, figuring out how to deal with them somehow, and putting them in boxes to store. There was a lot to box, and some of it came in odd sizes or required special care like lots of bubble wrap (you can tell I box a lot of books and other things to mail). Some of the thoughts were pushing at the edges of the boxes, not wanting to stay under control, but I didn't have a choice. I had to get everything put away.
That is how it feels a lot of times. I don't have the luxury of letting all the thoughts and challenges sit around. If I did that, there would not be room to move around, to do the daily things that need doing, to keep Janey happy, to drive her and get her to sleep and fend off her flailing arms and interpret the world for her.
And sometimes I worry I'm running out of boxes.