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Saturday, March 20, 2010

Crying Day

Janey is having one of her famous cry all day days. We don't know why. We've tried all our tricks---feeding her a lot, giving her a bath, me just holding her, etc. It doesn't help that I've been sick for days, and at one point when I was holding her and she was starting to calm down, I started coughing my head off and then throwing up. So that didn't exactly work. Tony has taken her now in the car to pick up Freddy from a party he is at. We are giving a friend of his a ride home, and I guess the friend will get a baptism in fire in autism education. It's an awful helpless feeling when she get like this, for her I am sure and for us. She might be getting sick like I am, but she has no way of telling us that. It's one of those days I don't feel particularly equal to this challenge. I just want to rest and get better, but I can't. William was trying to complete an important application for a summer program, and he could barely hear himself think. It's one of those days I hate all those stupid saying like God doesn't give you more than you can handle. If God handed this out, I think He might want to rethink His method of judging what people can handle. Or the Holland story---if I ever book a passage to France or England or Italy, I better end up there and not in Holland. Holland might be fine, but at this point, I need a vacation and it better be to where I want it to be (if you don't know the Holland story, look up Welcome to Holland anyplace on the internet and you will find the sappy tale) I get feeling guilty, like I don't want Janey to be who she is. But that's not it. I don't think anyone wants to be sad and voiceless. I want her to have a fair shot at life. I want her to be able to tell me why she's sad, and let me try to fix it. And I want the rest of us to be able to live a life where we are not on eggshells all the time, and where there is a day in sight when we can have kids that are grown up and on their own. This is a lifetime thing. It's never going to happen. So some way or another, I have to make the best of it, for all of us. And most days, I think I can, but right now, I am not sure.

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