Tough days

Janey was sick over Christmas, mostly Christmas eve, she was getting better after that, and today I think was mostly better physically, but TERRIBLE in behavior. She whined all day and threw many, many tantrums. They are getting more destructive---she does things like trying to break things we are using like computers, trying to smash on the TV, biting on everything she can and sometimes biting holes in things, and when she was really losing it, trying very hard to bite me and succeeding in scratching my face quite badly. It is so hard to deal with. I keep telling myself she is a little 4 year old girl, small for her age even, and I need to keep that in mind, but sometimes I feel almost scared of her. I love her so very much and want her to be happy more than anything on earth, but I don't know how to keep her happy. She said in the middle of one of her fits that she was scared, actually she said "The crocodile scared me". The crocodile was in a pop-up book and did startle her, but that was about a month ago, so I think she just was remembering a phrase with scared in it to use for this situation. I tried giving her a bath to calm her down but it didn't work. She is asleep now. It doesn't hep that Christmas vacation started 3 days early, so she suddenly wasn't going to school and didn't know why although of course I tried to explain. Oh, well. I hope 2009 brings me more hope.

School vs. Home

Yesterday was something. Janey fell asleep on the way to school, so I carried her in and stayed with her in the classroom as the other kids and teachers were lining up in the hall. She woke up pretty quickly and I was worried as sometimes she freaks out when she wakes up in a different place than she fell asleep, but when she saw she was at school, she was THRILLED. We put her stuff away and went into the hall to see the other kids. On the way there, the aide that is with her at afterschool saw her and ran over to hug her. The look on Janey's face was that of pure bliss. She jumped up and down and hugged the lady (Donna) over and over and was so happy it was incredible. Of course I was glad but of course I was also so hurt in a way. She truly is happier at school than home. I've thought that was probably the case for a while, from the reports I get and the blank look on their faces when I mention how tough she is at home sometimes, but I am sure now. Then we walked down with the kids and walked back to the room, and she grabbed both her main teachers' hands and danced around with them. Then to throw me a bone she took my hand too.

I don't mean to sound like I am not happy she loves school. But I wish I could make her feel that happy about home. I sometimes feel so jealous of people whose kids love to homeschool. Both boys have always been very horrified when I mention anything like that. They like school, and I guess Janey is like them. They are all extroverts to different extents, which is so strange as I am certainly not.

The Bad McDonalds Trip

Yesterday was really something, but I am hoping perhaps it gave me some insight into Janey. I took her with me to two stores Christmas shopping. Usually she loves to shop, and I have tended to stay home too much with her in the morning before school, so I felt good about taking her out. She asked me at the second store "you want chicken nuggets?" which meant SHE wanted to go to McDonalds, and we have done that before and it's gone quite well. So we went there. I think the first problem was we couldn't sit where we did the 4 or so other times we have gone. Also, there were kids at the next table, nice kids but talkative and Janey kept hearing them. But who knows what really was happening---she kept getting more and more upset. Finally she crawled under the table to me, and just FREAKED OUT---started biting the back of the chair, the table, anything within reach, and then tried her hardest to bit me. I had to hold her coat between me and her mouth, and she bit so hard on the coat her lips was bleeding. I was truly a little scared. I knew I just had to get her out of there, and talked to her as calmly as I could and got her out as quickly as I could. She didn't say a word in the car, but as we got home, she said one of her longest statements "I heard a clicking sound, and the clicking sounded like BOOM! I heard a footprints sound". I really don't know if this was about the McDs, but I think it was---she heard some kind of clicking sound that sounded really loud to her, and maybe like someone was walking over to her. She kept repeating that same phrase many times. I tried of course to ask her more about it, but to no avail.

A long time ago I read a book, I think called "The Sound of a Miracle" about a girl diagnosed with autism that is "cured" by something I think is called auditory training. I thought it was pretty foolish, but now I do wonder how much sounds and extra-sensitive hearing affect Janey. I know William also has very sensitive hearing, and Tony sometimes too. And I know Janey is very bothered by things that sound wrong---songs sung in a silly way, and even things like a burb noise. A few nights ago she went crazy because I was singing "Away in a Manger" to her and said "The stars in the BRIGHT sky" instead of how I usually say it, "The Stars in the Sky". I really don't know what to do about this all, but I might try to do some more research. I know I think the expensive "training" the book talked about is a huge scam. I actually went years ago to a talk about it and was extremely underwhelmed.

Oh, well.