I took Janey today to the open house for her summer school. I'll start with the good, just to not be depressing. The teacher of her class works at the Henderson, so she was a familiar face to both Janey and me, which was great. Of the 10 kids in the class Janey is going to be in, 5 of them (including her) are also in her class at the Henderson, so she will be with a lot of kids she knows. There are two aides in the room, so 3 adults overall.
However....Janey was INCREDIBLY upset at the open house. Probably the worst upset I've ever seen her have in a public place. It was awful. I had been telling her all day we were going to see her summer school. I tried hard to think of a way to explain that it was just for the summer, then she will go back to her regular school. I never have any idea how much Janey understands, but she seemed excited about the whole thing, and was standing at the door eager to go when it was time. But the SECOND we got into the parking lot of the school where summer school is held, she started screaming hysterically. The school is a big huge high school, and not a welcoming looking place. Just to get to the room where her class is took an epically long hike and an elevator ride. Janey was hysterical, and wanting her shoes off very badly for some reason. The floors in the halls were filthy (the classroom was clean, though). She screamed the whole time I was trying to talk to her teachers, she screamed the whole way out, she screamed the whole way to the car. It was something else. I am quite sure she thought she was going to the Henderson, and suddenly, instead, here's the huge scary school she's never seen. And anxiety and her natural reaction to any kind of stress took over. And everyone in the place (it seems to me) is looking at me like they have never in their life seen a child the likes of Janey. I look at the other kids that are there and wonder what special need they could possibly have---being extra cute and easygoing? That's just my upset talking, but still...are there no other kids like Janey? Is nobody as tough as her? I was in tears in the car.
But I have to try it. I liked the classroom itself. I just feel for the teachers and the other kids. But people have told me not to think that so much. The teachers signed on to be special ed teachers. And Janey is wonderful in many ways. And I need that time each day. I will go insane without it. So we'll try it. If they can handle Janey, hopefully she'll calm down in time. If they can't handle her, hopefully they will tell me.
I hate the pain Janey must be in, the fear and the inability to express that fear except by screaming. I hate it that she has to go through that, and that I have to go through it. I hate a lot, today.